All Entries in the "News" Category
Trump Presidential Library Plans Announced
Springfield, MO – Local architect Jans Tribbles recently announced that his firm of Dammish, Loren & Opivert was selected to begin designing the Trump Presidential Library, which will be opened at a future date in Trump Tower, New York City, NY. Initial plans for the Presidential library call for interactive exhibits where guests can experience […]
Angry Swarms of Loft Dwellers Descend on Hapless Street Preacher
Springfield, MO – A disaster of Biblical proportions filled the streets of downtown Springfield, as a street preacher was subjected to the anger of the urban loft dwellers. The loft dwellers are accustomed to the usual weekend street noises of loud music, traffic, and occasional fisticuffs between night club customers. But a man with a […]
Nondiscrimination Task Force Really Bringing Together Community
Springfield, MO – According to the chairman of the nondiscrimination task force, efforts to illuminate feelings and attitudes on sexual orientation and gender identity has really bonded the immediate community together in a colossal argument. “People love to fight. And what we’ve got here is a momentous finger-pointing match that is exhilarating,” said Nick Yonder […]
High School Students Looking Forward To End of the Year Major Revelations/Complete Closure
Springfield, MO- High school students all over Springfield are looking forward to the end of school not only because of summer break being right around the corner, but the end of the year revelations and total closure each school year brings. “It is just like all the movies,” said high school junior Alex Randish. “All […]
Tornado Waits Outside of City Limits
Springfield, MO – According to storm chasers, a mild tornado is circulating outside of city limits waiting the perfect time to dash across the area garnering every meteorologist’s undying attention. The tornado was first sighted 2 weeks ago crouched behind an abandoned barn near I-44. “I suspect the ‘nado is waiting for the weather to […]
Irresponsible Parents Flock to Parks Department’s Parents Night Out Program
Springfield, MO – The Parks Department has been flooded with request from irresponsible parents looking to drop their children off at the next event. Most inquires have consisted of calls from moms and dads who are seeking legal separation from their children that are imposing upon their lifestyles. “If you could…um…y’know take my kid for […]
Another Earth Day “Party” Dismal Failure
Springfield, MO- Another Earth Day celebration was a complete and total disappointment to the chagrin of local naturalist and self-proclaimed neo-hip Gregory Glasswater. Greg always throws an annual “bash” to celebrate the great mother Gaia. “I don’t get why no one comes to celebrate the wonder and glory of the Earth Mother. I have a […]
Tornado Update: “Definitely, Maybe”
Local forecasters in the Ozarks have taken up a new mantra for the wild and wacky weather system currently taking up residence over Southwest Missouri. “We’re upgrading the chances of severe weather to “Definitely, Maybe” over most of the listening area along with upgrading Dallas County to “Absolutely Possibly Likely” at this time” said local […]
Math Event Attended by “Lots” and “Many” Students
Springfield, MO – More than a lot of high school students participated in the math skills test hosted by Missouri State University this week. Too many to count put their calculating on display by participating in a little more than a dozen individual and team events. “I’d say many, many students participated. It was really […]
Storms Increases Dramatic, Passionate Rain Kisses By 200%
Springfield, MO- With torrential rain pouring all over the Ozarks, many couples are taking the dramatic, soaking backdrop as an opportunity to embrace romanticly. One cannot drive down the water-drenched streets without seeing a couple running toward each other with rain-soaked clothes, mouths agape. “Jeremy….Jeremy!!!” called Cindy Wallace as she rans toward her boyfriend […]
MSU To Springfield: Hey, We Do Stuff Too
Springfield, MO- Even though the Drury Panthers wowed the Ozarks with their nail biting victory over Metro State, Missouri State University is proclaiming to Springfield: “Hey, we did stuff on Sunday, too.” “Oh, so they run some championship, big deal,” says sophomore Larry Harshman. “I just played like 30 matches on Halo 3, but you […]
Large Red Blob Threatening Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Meteorologists are reporting across the region of a looming, red blob that will enter our area on Tuesday and hang around causing unknown damage and other things. The red blob was first reported by meteorologist Hans Zeenit who proclaimed “Red mass…headed to….Ozarks” before collapsing from fear. Speculators are speculating that the red […]
Springfieldians Vote In Record Numbers…On Facebook Polls
Springfield, MO- In a stunning show of the power of democracy a record amount of Springfield citizens showed their love of the democratic process by voting in various elections across the area. Unfortunately the vast majority of the votes were cast in Facebook polls. “I know it is my patriotic duty to cast my vote […]
Murder Story Followed By Happy Weather Report
Springfield, MO – In recent news, a horrible story regarding one person murdering another person was quickly follow up by a snappy upbeat weather report! Weather is commonly used to soften the blow to viewers after an unsavory piece of bad information is shared. News teams have relied upon the weather to transition from gruesome […]
Old Man Winter Filibusters Winter Until Homosexuals Can Legally Marry
Springfield, MO- With a extra long winter looming over the Ozarks, many are speculating when the warm weather will begin, but according to Old Man Winter, not until Homosexuals have to the right to marry. Old Man Winter is not the only notable figure to change their mind over homosexual marriage. Claire McCaskill also changed […]
