All Entries in the "Health" Category
Man Finds Fecal Landmine in Backyard
Springfield, MO—A local man found an explosive landmine in his backyard while mowing his lawn this past weekend. Justin Humble, of southern Springfield, claimed he hit the thin dog dirt grenade with his riding lawnmower, but didn’t realize it until several feet later. “Yeah, it was a minute before the effects took hold, I could […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
Japanese Beatles Headed to Branson
Branson, MO – Liverpool Legends stage manager, Mitch Grunion, couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the billboard on Hwy. 76 displaying a color ad for the Japanese Beatles performing live at the Butterfly Palace. “Louise isn’t going to like this” he exclaimed as he pulled over to snap a picture of the ad on […]
Man Dies of Good Health
Springfield, MO – A local man was found dead Thursday outside the Roughage Mart health food store on National Street after collapsing from too much health. Wayne Abcruncher, 46, was found by Roughage Mart employee Ashli Wheemonger upon her arrival for work Thursday morning. She said that Abcruncher had been a longtime customer and a […]
Smoking Ban Debated Thru Hole In Neck
Springfield, MO—Roger Thornsburry spoke eloquently through the hole in his neck last night at the Springfield City Council’s public’s opinion regarding the proposed Smoke-Free Air Ordinance. Thornsburry voiced his opinion thru his artificial larynx and pleaded with the nine council members to not “take away my freedoms”. Thornsburry was joined by several hundred other smoking […]
Naked Cooling Center at Ice Park
Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink. Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of […]
Oil-Soaked Fisherman Wash Into Ozarks
Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north […]
Dickens Cider Comes To Friday Farmer’s Market
Springfield, MO—Rumor has it that the Friday Farmer’s Market in downtown Springfield is about to get bigger and tastier with addition of a legendary local favorite — Dickens Cider. The Dickens Cider family recipe has been handed down for generations and has recently gained popularity with locals for its apparent health benefit. Speaking on condition […]
ROTFLMAO Laughing Yoga Studio Opens Soon
Springfield, MO—Laughter yoga classes will be offered next month at ROTFLMAO located in the Glen Isle Shopping Plaza on South Glenstone avenue. Laughter yoga or laughter therapy promises to relieve stress and strengthen the immune system through strange body movements and hysterical fake laughing. Combining the art of yoga with the element of laughter is […]
Billboard Doctors Smoke Regularly
Springfield, MO—A new billboard in town features doctors and nurses wearing gowns, scrubs and coats and proclaims “We’re regular smokers”. The medical community is frustrated by the advertisement suggesting that doctors and nurses endorse smoking. Nurse Katie Whoah crushed a butt into the ground with her foot and said, “that’s just ridiculous, the medical community […]
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes […]
Jerichoholics Anonymous Meeting This Sunday
Springfield, MO – This past December, local talk radio station KSGF fired beloved morning show host, Vincent David Jericho. Fans of the local celebrity have come together in this difficult time to form Jerichoholics Anonymous. Their first meeting will be this Sunday. “Vincent David Jericho was a hero in this community! He was a true […]
St. John’s Black Friday Sale Discounts Healthcare
Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am. “People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their […]
Doctor Collects Lightning for Experiments at Shrine Mosque
Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month. “I think he must be working […]
Workout Clothes Make Man Look Fat
Springfield, MO—While dressing to prepare for a workout at the south side YMCA, local man Kurt Tressel said, “these workout clothes make me look fat”. Looking fat and feeling fat the man traveled to the workout center in his automobile early Friday morning. While resting his breakfast of champions little black donut package on his […]
