All Entries in the "Health" Category
Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea
Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene. […]
Springfield Dentists to Decide What to Do With 3000 Pulled Teeth
Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range […]
2,000 People Got They Grillz Did
Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them. Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of […]
Public Health Strengthened through Provocative Team Name
Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head. Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message. Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play […]
Springfield Doctors Embrace Fox News Study
Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News. When the […]
Local Couple Gets Married in Order to Have Sex
Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each […]
Major Nic Fit Hits Springfield
Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!” Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first […]
2012 Cox Sucker Days Announced
Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health. The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes. Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health […]
Judgment Day Shadow Approaches
Springfield, MO–As reported by KY3 news, Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping has the nation on edge as he has predicted that “Judgment Day” will occur on May 21, 2011. However, a local evangelist has a different twist on the matter. Moe Lester is a deacon at the First Reformed Second Baptist Lutheran Church in […]
St. John’s Hospital West Wing Quarantined For Completely Non-Horrifying Reasons
Springfield, MO- Hospital Administrators and staff assured the public yesterday that even though the west wing of St. John’s Hospital has been quarantined, it is for totally non-horrifying reasons. They also assured Springfield citizens that the quarantine has nothing to do with: terrifying prophecies, unspeakable evil, the ancient demon-god Hhadarsh-Um, Hell on Earth, or the […]
METH HEADS RALLY AGAINST COCAINE DEALERS
Springfield MO.- The recent arrest of area cocaine dealers has gain support from an unlikely source. Nick Wethead, president of the Ozarks Meth Men has proposed that profiling be encouraged to rid the town of anyone that has the possibility of using cocaine instead of locally produced meth. “There is meth to our madness.”, […]
Experts Baffled as Local Single Woman Enjoys Herself on Valentine’s Day, Thank You Very Much
Springfield, MO – February 14 was just another Monday for Brenda Morton. She went to work, mingled with coworkers, hit the gym after work, then later saw a movie with friends. But as February 14 is not Just Another Day for the rest of the world, experts and acquaintances alike are concerned about Morton’s well-being. […]
Doctor Promotes Smoker Environment
Springfield MO-A not too well noted Springfield doctor is taking his patients back to the time where 3 out of every 5 doctors recommended smoking certain brands of cigarettes. Any patient of Dr. John Dilly will have the freedom to enjoy their favorite cigarette in the waiting room and if they like during their examination. […]
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we […]
Local Man Sloths on Labor Day
Springfield, MO—In an ironic twist, local man Jerry Baker spent most of Labor Day wasting away on his futon. Baker had planned to clean his house, fix his backyard fence and finally get that new coat of paint on his ’84 Chevy pickup, however, he chose to flip aimlessly through his satellite television channels instead. […]
