All Entries in the "Health" Category
Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences
Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]
Sperm Donations Boxes Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local donation boxes have recently appeared around the Ozarks with a different type of gift in mind, the gift of life. Sperm donations are rising in popularity and donation boxes are rapidly filling street corners next to traditional donation boxes for clothing, food and shoes. Sperm boxes are spreading in popularity across […]
Ark of Healthcare Found at Mercy!
Springfield, MO – Professor Illinois Jones made a significant historical find this week by discovering the Ark of Healthcare, a biblical relic that was long thought to be lost to the annals of time. Too holy to be placed on the ground or touched by one less than elite, one of the Bible’s holiest relics […]
Downtown Proselytizers Give In to Sin
Springfield (MO) — The infamous proselytizers, who typically protest sin on the corner of Walnut Street and South Avenue, finally gave in. The gentlemen, who had spent every weekend of the past several years proselytizing with impressive consistency to Springfield’s downtown patrons, put down their signs, sighed, and walked right into The Boogie last Saturday. […]
Shades of Grey’s Anatomy: Skaggs Takes Cox
Branson, MO – In a predetermined course of events, Skaggs will take Cox even deeper. Cox entered Skaggs this past summer giving birth to a new family member in Branson. Next month, Skaggs will officially become Cox and light snickering will ensue. While this isn’t the first time Skaggs and Cox have been connected, this […]
Kaleidoscope Offers Mercy Discounts
Springfield, MO – Local curious shop, piercing and tattoo studio, Kaleidoscope, announced plans to offer Mercy Hospital patients up to half off any product or service in the store. Located only a stone’s throw away from the medical campus, hospital patients need only walk a few paces to take advantage of the groovy discounts. “My […]
Greene County Health Inspectors Saves Day Again
Springfield, MO- Citizens of the busy metropolis know has Springfield can once again breath easy thanks to the vigilance of Health Inspectors. The group of heroes has been thwarting schemes of various organizations since their founding in 1953. Their first leader, war-hero Rex Kingshot, formed the group after a fallen, radioactive meteor granted him the […]
Nuns Hospitalized for Heat Exhaustion at Non-Bikini Car Wash
Springfield, MO- Three nuns were hospitalized yesterday when an ill-planned fundraiser went totally awry. The nuns where brought in for heat exhaustion after washing numerous cars in their full nun attire (habits). Due to the excesses heat, humidity, and modesty the nuns faced dehydration as well as numerous other problems. “We just wanted to make […]
Success of Hearing Museum on C-Street Spawns New Sensory Museums
Springfield, MO – Tucked away on E. Commercial Street for years, the History of Hearing Museum has been a go to place for aural enthusiasts, from those with hearing-aids to music audio-philes. The gallery contains a treasure trove of hearing technology from by-gone eras. While some may be confused by its name, the History of […]
Earthlings Overlook Earth Day
Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then […]
Facial Follicle Fashion Competition This Weekend!
Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year. […]
Surgical Supply Company Uses Ninjas
Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it. “Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and […]
Kaleidoscope Pierces Building Just Because It Can
Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere. “Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce […]
Block of OTC morning-after pill sparks outrage
Springfield, Mo. – On the eve of final exam week, hundreds of angry instructors and students at Ozarks Technical Community College (OTC) gathered on the campus plaza and other areas to protest the school’s ban of a medication designed to deaden the feelings of loss and despair associated with final exams. Protesters said the action […]
Mighty Blue Beacon Lost in Night’s Sky
Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope. “I wandered the black night searching […]
