All Entries in the "Entertainment" Category
Priest Holmes Inducted Due to Fantasy Value
Springfield, MO—Former NFL running back, Priest Holmes was swarmed by uber-fantasy football geeks on Sunday eager to meet the man who propelled them to fantasy victories. This past weekend, Holmes was inducted into the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame for his contributions to fantasy football players in Missouri. Said one attendee, Norm Hamilton, “I had […]
MSU Bears Offer Pacemakers to Fans
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games. Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm. “We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down […]
Local Man Text Jinxes Bears
Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss. “Everybody knows with the game on […]
No Pants Celebrated at Local Subway
Springfield, MO—Local participants in the “No Pants Subway Ride Day” had little choice to display their pant-less selves other than at the local Subway restaurant. Scores of Ozarkers showed up to the Subway location at 605 E. Harrison Street to take part in the global annual tradition started by Improv Everywhere in 2002. “We here […]
Twenty-Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield
Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking […]
Rain Dance Flub
BeeBe, AR. – News of the estimated 1,000 dead black birds that seemed to rain from the sky last Friday in nearby Arkansas has authorities and locals stumped as to the cause of this strange event – until now. Local medicine man of the Quapaw Ouachita Mountain Indian Reservation has came forward and confessed that […]
Mega Millions Winner Plans for Ruined Life
Springfield, MO—At the end of the night, Lauren Whocheck of Nixa, MO, held the winning Mega Millions lottery ticket netting a $225 million in a lump sum payment. Whocheck said she was at first very happy, then realized that the money would eventually ruin her mediocre, but livable life. After accepting the cash lump sum […]
Brad & Angelina See Mark & Dorothy in SGF
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street. Pitt said, “OMG, I […]
Branson Belle Sucked Into Branson Triangle
Branson, MO—Saturday night the Showboat Branson Belle fell into the dangerous grip of the Branson Triangle, an area where a number of aircraft and surface vessels allegedly and mysteriously disappear. The Branson Triangle, a region near State Park Marina on Table Rock Lake, was blamed for creating gusts of 45-miles-per-hour and causing a problem with […]
Basketball Star To Play At Middle School
Springfield MO.- Charlie Quirk, a Glendale High School senior, who was recently declared ineligible to play in this final year by the Missouri State High School Activities Association will play instead for Carver Middle School. Apparently a loophole in MSHSAA guidelines does not prevent a player transferring back to middle school if high school credits are […]
Turkey Trot Course Hampers Sausage & Gravy Run
Springfield, MO—Kent Louizer, a local breakfast connoisseur, is making plans to visit his favorite breakfast shop Thanksgiving morning based on the Turkey Trot road closures. “The dang ol’ race isn’t going to keep me from getting my sausage and gravy,” stated Louizer. According to Louizer, each year at Thanksgiving he has to make a special […]
TSA Implements Hokey Pokey At SGF Airport
Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers. As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents […]
Ozarks Hunter Sees Five-Headed Buck
Springfield, MO—Local hunter Hal Nimmers said he saw a giant buck over the weekend but chose not to harvest the deer because he wanted to see “how big it’d be next year.” “I was in my tree stand when a giant five-headed deer came stomping through the brush, each head had at least 14 points. […]
Bass Pro Opens Bass Amateur
Springfield, MO – According to sources, Bass Pro shops has opened a pilot store in town targeting those who are not quite comfortable with their outdoor skills. Bass Amateur, or BassAm, is located on N. Campbell Avenue, next to the existing store. “BassAm is comfortable to me because I don’t have to pretend I know […]
Jerry Jones Purchases Springfield Wolfpack
Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season […]
