Romney Wants to Cut Funding to Tom Trtan’s Mustache

Trtan’s moustache is a National Treasure

Springfield, MO - Wednesday night was the first of a set of three presidential debates between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. Pundits on both sides agree that Romney was the clear winner. Romney appeared more prepared, more energetic, and with a better grasp of the issues. To many, however, it was one line he said that has resonated most. Romney declared his intention, if elected, to cut the funding to one of the most beloved furry creatures of our time. “If elected, I plan for the federal government to stop funding Tom Trtan’s mustache.”

In a debate filled with often mundane policy discussions, Romney’s statement stuck out to a lot of people, like Springfield resident Mike Hauschild. “I grew up watching Tom Trtan’s mustache and I want my young son to be able to enjoy it as well.”

The loss of Tom Trtan’s mustache would especially be felt in poorer rural areas that may not have access to fancier more expensive mustaches. “In poorer areas Tom Trtan’s mustache serves an important role, not only in educating young people, but in showing them that all things are possible,” says Missouri State professor Hugh Rankin. “A poor boy in Chadwick could see that maybe he too could achieve something in his life as majestic as Tom Trtan’s mustache.”

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President Barack Obama issued an official statement today, “Tom Trtan’s mustache is a national treasure enjoyed by generations of Americans. I, for one, am afraid of what would become of this great nation if we lost Tom Trtan’s mustache.”

The mouth attached to the body holding up Tom Trtan’s mustache could not be reached for comment, apparently receiving instructions from Tom Trtan’s mustache not to talk to the press.