Soccer Mom Vows To Find iPhone Stolen from Prius

Mom kicks butt with eye-glare

Springfield, MO – With warmer temperatures causing people to be more out and about, Springfield car break-ins are at an all-time high. But, one Springfield citizen refuses to take the crime spree sitting down. Elizabeth Cleaver, a 39-year-old soccer mom, found her Prius’s window smashed and her iPhone stolen on Wednesday, as well as her sunglasses, handbag filled with various make-up supplies, and a tablet computer.

“They better run because no shadow is dark enough to hide,” Elizabeth said, as she take a slow drag off a cigarette, then threw it to the ground. She then proceeded to the seedy bar Bleeding Tiger to find some answers. “It was crazy,” said local low-life Lenny Lawson. “One moment she walks in. Then she says, ‘Hello boys. Want to help a poor girl out.’ She started swinging her Coach purse. The next thing I know there is a quick scene change and there she is: purse lazily swinging by her side with unconscious thugs all around her.”

Sources say she then slammed the bartender against the wall and demanded to know if he knew anything. When he just stared in terror, she threw him on the bar and slid him down the length of it, as glass and alcohol explode everywhere.

With the bar a dead end, the almost 40 mother of 3 went to the junk yard, the bad part of town, the strip clubs (where she saw her husband of 17 years, but that is a different story) and a meth shack all in hopes of finding her beloved iPhone 4. But, the seedy underbelly of Queen City was much like the Sphinx: all questions, no answers.

“I bet you three wish you could call for help,” she told three trembling meth heads who were first attacked, then subdued by the former Ms. Missouri 1990 contestant, “I wish I could loan you my phone, but mine was stolen. Any ideas?”

When they pleaded for their lives, she simply flicked her cigarette into a well-placed gasoline puddle which caused the flames to snake their way to the meth lab causing a huge explosion, which she simply and coolly walked away (in 5 inch heels no less). Later the iPhone was found beneath her car seat, apparently never stolen at all. “I am such an air-head,” she confided in her best friends over mid-day martinis. “I lose that thing every other day.”

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