Real Bears Adopt Street

Real effing bears clean a side street

Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks.

City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and were very clear with their intentions. “We had two damn bears walk into city hall and everyone ran for the exits, turns out they just wanted to help keep our area clean and let citizens know that bears can be useful participants in an urban setting,” said city official Jaime Kiuae.

Motorist have been more than surprised by the efforts. “I was trying to avoid Glenstone so I took a back street. And there they were, a bunch of bears with trash in their mouths, trash on sticks and trash in bags. I thought I was going to be eaten alive, but instead I navigated a path around the mall on a surprisingly clean path of pavement,” claimed Noel Gargeror.

Neighbors have reported a sharp decrease in crime and littering in the area since the real bears have taken responsibility for the cleanliness of the roadway. “I think it is an enforcement issue. We had one driver throw out a plastic cup while the real bears were cleaning the road and the bears didn’t take to kindly to that. They chased the driver down and ate his head at the next stop sign. That’s a pretty good deterrent if you ask me,” said homeowner Jilly Twilly.

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