Missourians’ Right to Breathe upheld on Tuesday
FairCityNews.com | Aug 07, 2014 | Comments 0
Voter weighing Right to Breathe
Constitutional Amendment 86, known informally as the Right to Breathe Act, and known even more informally as “The Hot Air Bill,” passed by an undeniable majority at the polls this Tuesday. The bill—on the ballot alongside other amendments concerning gun control restrictions, factory farms, and internet privacy—upholds a god-given right that was in no way actually threatened by the state at any time.
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But now, citizens can rest assured, this particular right is super-duper safe.
”It’s obvious that Obama is trying to take away my lungs,” stated Kenny Green, a local internet commenter and outspoken supporter of the amendment. “Anybody who read that ballot language would know that. And anybody who can read knows that the obvious answer is always the right one.”
A handful of posts to the contrary appeared on various social media sites in the days leading up to the election, but they were mostly drowned out by Buzzfeed quizzes and Kardashian updates, which had also been shared by Missouri citizens, whose votes still count just as much as yours does.
Not all who voted for the bill held such strong opinions, however. Thousands of well-meaning-enough citizens never bothered to form an opinion at all. Many simply wondered how they’d ever manage to figure out which decision was the correct one, anyway.
“Think for myself?! Who has the time!” commented Tracy Schultz, as she took a moment to look up from the Pinterest board on her smartphone titled “Jacob’s Awesome Dinosaur Birthday Party!!”
Though the Right to Breathe Act’s true intended purpose is still quite fuzzy to an alarming number of voters, many others have already forgotten what they did on Tuesday and moved on to other, more important things in their lives.
“Oh yeah! I voted!” Tracy recalled, while on her way to that big sale at Kohl’s. “See? I got my sticker!”
One thing’s for sure: Missourians still have a right to breathe in their fair state, in the land of the free and home of the brave. And that’s not going to change any time soon.
In an entry on his blog the next morning, Kenny wrote, “If Big Government wants to, they can take my right to breathe out of my cold dead hands.”
When solicited for follow-up questions before press-time, neither Tracy nor Kenny was available for comment, as their rights to breathe had already been revoked by factory farm methane gas and an unregulated assault rifle, respectively.
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