Archive for May, 2014
Medical Mile Nurse Fight
Springfield, MO–The turf war simmering between Mercy and Cox hospitals is expected to boil this Friday night as a rumor has spread of a rumble between nurses from each hospital. “Cox is gonna have its day tonight” was overheard in a Medical Mile alleyway with a resounding reply of “Fair fight, but, if they start […]
Finding a Good Summer Day Care
Springfield, MO – Finding the right day care for your child takes about 10 minutes of time, a few well-placed questions to people who “know things”, and a little bit of acting. Here are the basics: Check out the facility. Don’t schedule an appointment, but show up dressed as a circus clown whose been drinking […]
Cox Hospitals Pioneers Base Jumping Therapy for Constipation
Springfield, MO – Willis McWilliams successfully scared the crap out of himself, and everyone else over the weekend by climbing a large crane on the campus of Cox Hospital. Doctors were baffled by failed attempts to find a cure for McWilliams severely backed up bowels. “l haven’t had a good B.M. since Rock-N-Ribs. Musta been […]
Person Dancing to “Happy” Angers Drivers
Springfield, MO – Several motorists driving south on Glenstone reportedly witnessed one horrifying act after another, as the driver of a sub-compact car sang and danced to Pharrell Williams hit song “Happy”. Reports included displays of awkward dance moves including a shoulder hunch, random rapid finger points and multiple waves at other drivers. “What was […]
Hep-A Yourself Buffet Opens at Red Robin
Springfield, MO – Battling a recent pr nightmare of Hepatitis A exposure to over 5,000 people in the Springfield area, Red Robin has announced plans to open a free buffet in an effort to lure patrons back into the restaurant. The Hep-A Yourself Buffet grand opening will be May 22 from 11-6, and May 23 […]
Big Momma’s to Merge with Big Whiskey’s, Forming Big Momma’s Whiskey
Springfield, MO – Citing an opportunity for synergy, local bar and restaurant owner, Raul Bundy has announced a new merger between local coffee shop, Big Momma’s, and his restaurant, Big Whiskey’s The new restaurant, called Big Momma’s Whiskey, will have what Bundy calls a nostalgic mom’s liquor cabinet feel to it. Mom’s have always liked […]
Russia Leaves International Space Station to Take Crimea Space Station
Springfield, MO – According to reports, Russia is planning to vacate the International Space Station to inhabit the nearby Crimean Space Station. The Russia government claims that the Crimean people have invited them to absorb the additional space on the station and have welcomed their presence. “It seems odd to me that another country would […]
First Cousin Marriage Still Not Allowed in Arkansas
EUREKA SPRINGS, Ark. – While gay couples in Arkansas are saying “I Do” in some counties, first cousins are petitioning a judge to strike down the state’s bans on first cousin marriages. On Monday, however, the legal situation was up in the air as county clerks differed on the impact of the first cousin marriage […]
Driver Refused to Diverge
Springfield, MO – Local driver Lars Timber lost his cool last week when he intentionally refused to swing left at an upcoming diverging diamond interchange on S. Kansas Expressway. The act of defiance could have cost him or others their life, but fortunately the deed took place around 2 am when traffic was low. “I […]
Netflix Down to Four Subscribers, Yet 18,000 Users in Southwest Missouri
Springfield, MO – Netflix released their quarterly subscription numbers and the Southwest Missouri region is down to just four people actually paying for a subscription to the online movie streaming service. “It’s baffling,” says Netflix CEO, Reed Hatings. “We suspect the users might be sharing their passwords. We understand that is part of how it […]
Guide Spews Lies During Local Tour
Springfield, MO – Recent complaints have poured into the Missouri Department of Tourism following a guided tour by Southern Tours that included several prominent Springfield landmarks and points of interest. Several complaints were directed at the tour guide, known only as Terry the Tour Guide. “I grew up in this area and I’ve never heard […]
