Springfield Town Leaders Call “Hit” On Old Man Winter

Springfield, MO- With winter weather once again looming over Springfield, many city officials are turning to desperate measures to assure their town will not be in another icy abyss. During an emergency meeting Superintendent Norm Ridder (sick of so many snow days) and Mayor Bob Stevens decided to use government assets to fund various hit men and bounty hunters to “take care of” Old Man Winter.

“Sure $100,000 is quite a bit, but think how much we are saving on salt for the roads,” said Mayor Stevens. “Me, worried? I am not worried at all,” said Old Man Winter while lounging at his favorite bar, filled with various mythical creatures, “Every so often some punks try to take me down: Global Warming, Indian Summers. But, every time I end up on top.”

Various killers from all walks of life are tempted to join in on the hunt, from mafia hit men to low grade bounty hunters. “Bounty hunters. We don’t need their scum,” said an un-named Springfield official. “We can take care of Winter all by ourselves.”
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Old Man Winter was last seen with his on-again-off-again girlfriend Mother Nature at her apartment in Fairy Land. He is 6’2 with a bald head, pure white goatee, sun glasses, and long leather trench coat. He is armed with an ice staff, and sometimes travels with his illegitimate son from a previous lover: Jack Frost.

“We are coming for you, Old man,” stated mafia hit man Tony “We-Promise-To-Give-You-A-Nickname-Next-Week” LaBute. “And nothing is getting in our way, not any walls, or the fact you are just a personification of cold weather. Nothing.” If the murder for hire goes to plan, Spring will occur early next week.