Archive for February, 2014
LEGO® Releases Hammons Tower Set
Springfield, MO – Designed by a LEGO fan, the new LEGO Hammons Tower (77053) will be available for purchase this spring. Creator Matt Plither, a Springfield native, submitted the design to LEGO CUUSOO, a site where LEGO designers can submit projects, gains supporters and receive royalties if a product concept is chosen for production. Plither’s […]
On Campus Rule Prompts Drury-ville Camps, Lean-tos
Springfield, MO – Following news requiring most students to live on campus, several hooverville-esque tent camps have sprouted around the university grounds. Citing mounting debt concerns, hundreds of students are planning to tough it out on campus in makeshift shelters to abide with the new code. “I’m looking forward to the sense of community we […]
Group Fart Propels SGF Into the Future
Springfield, MO – The entire population of our fair city was thrust forward into time this weekend after hundreds of people trouser coughed at once while at the 33rd Sertoma Chili Cook Off at the EXPO Center. The consolidated butt honk lurched the entire city into the future by 2.5 seconds. “It was very stange…one […]
Blowing Wind Generates 10 Years of Energy During One Turbine Job
Springfield, MO – Capitalizing on intense wind speeds, one single wind turbine located off Highway 65 generated enough power to supply the city of Springfield for 10 years in just under one 12-hour shift. The wind gusts kept the fans spinning faster and longer than any previously recorded time in recorded history. “The wind turbine […]
Captain Larry Don Tests New Submarine Ride
Lake Ozarks – New owners of the popular tourist attraction recently tested an underwater component to the boat attempting to submerge it beneath the water’s surface. The boat previously had been a floating vessel only and has spent more than 70 years performing the same task. “We felt that our restoration attempts could include an […]
Ozarkers Brace for Warmer Weather
Springfield, MO – Local residents beaten down by the frozen temperatures are bracing themselves for absolutely gorgeous weather ahead. Shedding the heavy jackets is something that will be required as the mercury rises but many Ozarkers are resistant to the coming change. “My winter coat is so, so comfortable,” said Natalie Filuster, “I’m not sure […]
Girl Scout Investigating Possible Data Theft
Springfield, MO – Local Girl Scout Lorie Damon is reporting that she may have experienced a credit and debit card data breach from her cookie sales impacted 14 customers, one of the largest security breach she has ever reported. The cookie retailer confirmed on Tuesday that unauthorized access to payment card data between Feb. 2 […]
County Jail Photos Scanned for Potential Mate
Springfield, MO – Local criminals are taking to the Greene County Jail photo gallery of bookings to find a potential mate. Hosted on the SpringfieldNewsleader site, users refer to the gallery via multiple names including Booking.com, Crook.com and IncarcerCupid.com. “The crime and courts gallery allow those interested in finding a partner to match their criminal […]
Mike the Intern
You saw them. You remember them. Those commercials pushing the GREATEST POWER BALLADS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!! In some cases, these songs were written by guys wearing just as much makeup as the women they were trying to hook up with. So let’s get right down to it. Mike The Intern’s Kinda OK Power Ballads of […]
Farmers Looking Forward to New Farmer’s Park
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of local farmers are eagerly anticipating the opening of new Farmer’s Park this spring. A place to relax and play is exactly what most hard working farmers need during the busy season. Farmer Joe Bronston is envisioning “a large slide where farmers can swoosh down into soft cotton,” and Mary Bilgeratt […]
Springfield Town Leaders Call “Hit” On Old Man Winter
Springfield, MO- With winter weather once again looming over Springfield, many city officials are turning to desperate measures to assure their town will not be in another icy abyss. During an emergency meeting Superintendent Norm Ridder (sick of so many snow days) and Mayor Bob Stevens decided to use government assets to fund various hit men and bounty hunters to “take care of” Old Man Winter. “Sure $100,000 is quite a […]
City Hails New Super Hero: Mr. Hot Legs
Springfield, MO – A new super hero, known as Mr. Hot Legs, revealed himself yesterday by saving 2 women stranded in a frozen lake after their vehicle slid off a neighborhood road. According to the police report the man realized that action was needed immediately and he used his super human power of “warm legs” […]
Children Build Preemptive Snowman
Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]
