Archive for January, 2014
Donkey, Chicken Fed Weed to Predict Outcome of SuperBowl
Springfield, MO – A local man claimed to have fed a donkey and chicken proportionate amounts of weed to predict this year’s SuperBowl results. According to his amateur study, the animals were given 6 points if they made a successful attempt to the feeding trough, and an extra point if they took a drink of […]
Obama Encourages Nation to Try Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken
Springfield, MO – During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged all citizens of the United States to try Springfield-style cashew chicken as it “tastes really, really good.” The President continued, “not only does it taste good, but it is a perfect symbol of our current State of the Union. A common ingredient […]
Attorney General Investigate Strickland Propane
Jefferson City, MO – Attorney General Chris Koster announced his office is investigating the cause of the recent rise in the price of propane gas, and is focusing the inquiry with Strickland Propane. Dozens of consumers have filed complaints with the Attorney General’s Consumer Protection Division against Strickland Propane, a propane and propane accessories supplier […]
Huge Garage Sale Keeps Husbands Up Late
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of husbands stayed up late tagging assorted and various items of a crap spectrum preparing for the nation’s largest garage sale last week. Wives across the area thought it would be good to clean out the house and go out big with a mega event. “Yeah, so Shirley said we could […]
Polar Vortex Disease Blamed for Sick Days
Springfield, MO – Citing inhumane weather and uncomfortable feelings caused by decreased temperatures, hundreds of people across the Ozarks have called in sick prompting the World Health Organization to identify this new ailment as Polar Vortex Disease, or PVD. “I’ve battled PVD ever since I first heard of the polar vortex,” said Amanda Sitherton, “once […]
Prisoners Volunteer for Firing Squad
Springfield, MO – Following the introduction of House Bill 1470 by Rep. Rick Brattin, R-Harrisonville, hundreds of prisoners have volunteered to take place in firing squads if they are brought back to Missouri. In fact, an overwhelming majority of volunteers are interested in pulling the trigger to perform the executions. “Hey man, I’d be perfect […]
Duck Walks, Stops, Then Walks Again
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, a duck walked, then stopped, then resumed walking near the small lake at Nathanial Greene Park. The duck was using both widdy-bitty feet to waddle across the grass and momentarily stopped before shuffle-wuffling along. “Awww…look at that!” said one old man pointing out the duck in motion. He continued […]
“No–BKG!” Campaign Launched by Taney Co. Airport & Yakov
Branson, MO – Following the improper landing of a Southwest Airlines 737-700 at M. Graham Clark Downtown Airport, the Taney County airstrip has partnered with local Branson entertainer Yakov Smirnoff to promote a “No–BKG!” campaign to dissuade larger aircraft from landing at the smaller airport. “We have had close calls, but this last one really […]
Give it a Rest…
It is not the first time that a reality TV “star” has said something stupid. This time, however, it just happened to be about a highly sensitive subject. So, when Phil from the Duck Dynasty series that airs on A & E made derogatory comments about gay people, it has been met with much discussion […]
Southwest Airlines Awards 8 Bonus Miles for Landing at Wrong Airport
Branson, MO – Southwest Airlines has awarded passengers an extra 8 airline miles following a mistaken landing at M. Graham Clark Airport, part of the College of the Ozarks campus, which left the passengers and crew 40 feet away from a deadly cliff. The Boeing 737-700 (Flight 4013) touched down at 7:05 p.m. at C […]
Owl Beheads Woman
Springfield, MO – Amanda Fickerton was beheaded by a great horned owl last night in a southern neighborhood coffee shop near Ravenswood. Fickerton had been enjoying a night out with friends when the winged beast swooped in, grasped her by the hair and ripped her head from her body. “It was so cool! This thing […]
Mizzou Fans Headed to the NFL
Columbia, MO – After a successful cheering on of their football team during the 41-31 win over Oklahoma State in Friday’s 2014 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic, hundreds of fans have declared themselves eligible for the 2014 NFL season. “We gave a lot this past year. And we’re foregoing our next year of eligibility to support […]
Polar Vortex Hovered Over Local Man
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, the Polar Vortex followed a local man wherever he went yesterday, instantly dropping temperatures and freezing many businesses into closure. Jim Wunmertale said he first noticed the change when he left his home to take out the trash. “In the morning, I looked up and there was a black-silverish […]
