Chaos Reigns When Federal Hilly-Bill Reserve Loses Funding

Authors of the Hilly-Bill Reserve

Springfield, MO- Due to the government shut down, many federal funding projects are losing not only financial support, but many valued and skilled employees are being furloughed. Nowhere is this more damaging than the Ozark’s own Federally Funding Hilly-Bill Reserve.  With no electricity to power the 5,000 volt fences or no money to pay guards armed with elephant grade tranquilizers gun, the reserve is sent into full-tilt forest madness.

“We are so scared,” said a dietitian, who is usually in charge making sure the hill-folk get their diet of the walnuts and corn pone. “They revolted and took everything except the main compound in the center of the reserve. We should be safe…until they learn how to open doors…with knobs.”

Hours after funding was cut the hill-billies could tell by their “mountain sense” that something was askew.  When the last guard left via helicopter they attacked the unprotected staff with the savagery and brutality akin to the Hillbilly deity of destruction “War Goat”.

“You can’t hear them coming,” said one worker while cowering a corner, “Their bare feet make no sound; your only chance is to hear the rustling or their blood stain beards.”

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“Ok, listen up Ozark grunts,” said the commander of the 5^th division of the Ozark Marines, “We are going in hot. Watch out for pitchforks and 1800’s muskets. Also there is a rumored hillbilly queen hiding in the labyrinth under their outhouses – we get the queen, we stop the colony.”

Most of the managers of the reserve feel that once federal money begins to flow into the project everything will be fine.

“They must’a  knew something…like this was going to happen,” says Jacob Thomson, an operator of the reverse, “When the government stops working, crazy hillbilly things happen.”