Archive for September, 2013
Lost Man Eats Friend to Survive Corn Maze
South of Springfield, MO – Local buddies Matt Roppen and Jeremy Koffrot had planned to enjoy a scary experience at Campbell’s Farm’s haunted maze and came away with an entirely horrific experience: trapped in the maze for 2 weeks, Roppen was reduced to commit acts of cannibalism in order to survive the corn labyrinth. Officials […]
Solar Farmers Market Hits the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Area residents are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Missouri’s largest solar energy farm late next spring and the Solar Famers Market that it will provide. After it’s built on 40 acres in eastern Greene County, the five-megawatt project between Springfield and Strafford will be the hippest place to pick up solar-powered […]
Lambert’s Employee to Undergo Tommy John Surgery
Ozark, MO – In the past few years, professional baseball has seen an abundance of pitchers having Tommy John surgery. However professional athletes aren’t the only people injuring their arms. Matt Garvey, a roll throwing specialist at Lambert’s Café in Ozark, Missouri, has been throwing rolls with the café for three years, and after a […]
With Jails Full Springfield Plans “Escape From New York”/“Hunger Games”/”Battle Royale” Solution
Springfield, MO- With Springfield jails overcrowded and many jailers calling it quit, Mayor Jim Morris has a drastic play in place to both relieve the overcrowded prison system and tax payers’ pockets. It is dubbed: Escape Game Royale. Based on numerous movies the plan is simple: The Nature Center has been converted to an arena […]
Johnny Morris Made Mayor Of Springfield
Springfield, MO- With the news breaking of Johnny Morris, founder of Bass Pro, making the Forbes 400 list of richest people in the nation, Springfield has just decided to make him mayor of the city. “If he could turn a bait-and-tackle shop to a multimillion dollar corporation, what will he be able to do with […]
MSU Freshman Becomes 100% Adult in One Month
Springfield, MO – Only one month after leaving her home for MSU to pursue her bachelor’s degree, Becky Wolf has reached total and complete adulthood. Becky, a Communications Major, who just recently enjoyed wild high school parties, immature boys, and frivolous pop culture fads, is now focused on securing a stable future. “This did happen […]
Army Corps Refuses Rain Water for Table Rock Lake
Branson, MO – The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced Friday that its agreements to run Table Rock Lake, including acceptance of rain water, was beyond the scope of the Corps’ authority. Tours of Table Rock Dam have been canceled, as have any natural collections of rain water, but all other recreation areas on the […]
Ozark Homes Now Feature Dream “Meth Lab”
Springfield, MO- After a meth lab was discovered during a rental house visit, many Springfield contractors are hatching schemes to pursue the much sought after “high class meth dealer and connoisseur” clientele. Even though the renters, the agent, and owners of the house were mortified to find a meth lab under their stairs in the […]
Silver Dollar City Ready to Move Forward Through Time to 30′s
Branson, MO – With the extra money made thanks to “Outlaw Run” SDC can finally move into the late 1900′s. “We are so excited, we have been stuck in the 1800s forever,” said SDC worker Harry Marshall, “We all cheered when the grand exposition moved us up to 1901, but now we have enough to […]
Springfield to Build Own Coaster After Hearing About Branson’s Economic Boost
Springfield, MO- After learning about the estimated 8.5 million dollars that Silver Dollar’s City’s new roller coast gave to the Branson area, Springfield is bound and determined to create own coaster. “That thing brought in nearly 100,000 visitors,” said Springfield spokesman Ralph Saunders. “And it was just made out of wood. Can you imagine how […]
Willard Schools Give Laptops to All Students; Next Goal – Robo-Teacher
Willard, MO- With Willard’s “Every Kid Connected” initiative every student will receive an internet connected device (either laptop or tablet), but Willard will not stop there: Robo-Teachers will be the final goal. “We are all about technology here at Willard,” said Ian Giga-hurts, the Grand Tech Master of Willard, upon his metal spider-shaped throne, “Every […]
Urban Chickens Linked to Gang Violence
Nixa, MO – City officials are weighing a prickly bill that would allow urban chickens within the city limits, giving citizens easy access to fresh eggs, however, opponents are pointing to an increase in gang activity after The Springfield City Council approved an ordinance allowing urban chicken possession inside city limits after a 5-4 vote […]
Real Estate Boom in Greene Co. Jail
Springfield, MO – Most jails are not a place where room and board are sought after, however, the Greene County Jail is so overcrowded that a black market has developed within the jail house: crime lords are selling the space at a premium. Want a personal cell…expect to pay over $2,000/month for a one room, […]
