Archive for July, 2013
Drug Dealers Question Hourly Fees at Parks
Springfield, MO – The rules have been around since 2001, but recently drug dealers have complained about fees for making deals at Springfield-Greene County parks. Many professional drug daddys don’t have offices; instead, they have their drugs inside their car. Their fiends choose a location for their drop and it is usually at a […]
Ozark Empire Fair Introduces Fried Cashew Chicken on a Stick
Springfield, MO – Fairs have long been associated with different, new ways of preparing fried food, but this years’ extraordinary culinary award has been given to a vendor who is providing fried chicken bites on a stick with a bit of cashew sauce as a gravy for dipping. The fried food committee praised the new […]
Flyboard Fishing In the Ozarks!
Bennett Springs, MO – The hottest new extreme watersport to hit the Ozarks is a combination of flying boarding and fly fishing, known collectively as flyboard fishing. The independent activities of fly fishing and fly boarding were serendipitously fused together by two local entrepreneurs who had the vision to connect a relaxing pastime to a […]
Woman Gives Birth
Springfield, MO – Recent news has developed that in England a woman has given birth this week. The 31 year old brunette was seen entering a hospital on Monday as symptoms of labor started. This set off a media frenzy and many reporters and well-wishers were seen crowding around the hospital doors, some staying almost […]
EFO Hunters Arrive in SGF
Springfield, MO – A few days after an EF-O tornado touched down in Springfield’s center city, a group known as EFO hunters arrived to collect evidence and research the eerie weather phenomenon first hand. Experts in EFOology, the scientist and researchers are searching for answers to the age old question: do EFOs exist. EFO […]
Mercy Adopts Royal Town Crier for New Births
Springfield, MO – Following the immensely popular arrival of the Royal couple’s baby, a local hospital is bringing some regal flare to birth announcements this month by providing a town crier for each child born on the premises. According to sources, a crew of royal criers is on hand – around the clock – to […]
Motivational Topic: Shopping
Holy Crap! This was quite an experience. Used to, I went to JC Penny and got it all. Now, all this shopping has turned into a sick twisted carnival of really thin, pushy sales people, low lighting, heavy cologne and extremely loud dance music…frankly, I don’t like it. First store…The Buckle. From the outside looking […]
Ozarks Dutch Oven Group Enjoys Trapping Farts
Springfield, MO – With a simple sheet and a few grunts and gasses, members of the Ozarks Dutch Oven Group are making memories and sharing a pastime activity that reaches back hundreds of years. The act of trapping a person under bed covers after releasing vile butt fumes, known as the Dutch oven, was important […]
Springfield Cardinals to Play Nixa
Springfield, MO – In a community outreach program, the Springfield Cardinals will play a loosely assembled team fielded by the city of Nixa. The Nixa participants have been identified through a local talent search and include everyday people such as Lance Figaroo, a cable repairman. “I’ve always wanted to play on that field and now […]
Cold Hard Fusion Conference in Columbia
Columbia, MO — An international conference on low-energy nuclear reactions (LENR) will bring representatives from at least 30 countries to Columbia next week where committed researchers will attempt to gain recognition for cold fusion by infusing some hardcore inner city attitude. “We’re getting’ all Pons and Fleischmann on this process and we gonna generate some […]
Twinkie Booth Opens at Farmer’s Market
Springfield, MO – The Farmer’s Market of the Ozarks (F-MoO!) opened with a new booth this past week, one that features packaged goods including chips, snacks and HFCS-laced drinks. Over 100 vendors peddled home-grown veggies, hand-crafted jams and cheeses, natural meat even moonshine, but none garnered the attention of the “Twinkie booth”. Vender number 134 […]
Meth House of the Week
Springfield, MO – Cuddled away in a nice corner of town in a secluded neighborhood, the Mettleton’s home is this month’s featured meth house of the week. Containing a toxic stew of chemicals that have saturated walls, ceilings, floors and carpets with meth, mercury, lead, iodine, lithium and poisonous solvents, this home provides hints of […]
Fed Requires Magician to Provide Benefits to Rabbit
Ozark, MO -The USDA, in compliance with the Animal Welfare Act, has outlined new regulations that Marty Hahane, aka Marty the Magician, must follow for his rabbit Casey which require him to provide healthcare benefits, long-term disability insurance, 401k contributions but no vision insurance – because well Casey is a rabbit. This regulation follows […]
Steve Grant Raps to Kids at Rural Library
Aurora, MO – Expanding upon the “Steve Grant Reads to Kids” theme, local news anchor Steve Grant recently rapped to kids at the Aurora library giving them a taste of 80’s pop-lockin’ culture. The event is an extension of KY3 for Kids and was heavily attended by children aged 4 to forty four. Grant is […]
