Archive for April, 2013
Scooters…
Well…spring is approaching and you know what that means, people on scooters. While I am not an overly violent man, seeing a person on a scooter makes me very, very angry. Hearing the buzz from those ridiculously little engines triggers a fight or flight mechanism in me unlike anything I have ever experienced. These little […]
Desperate Teen Forced to Use Desktop Computer
Springfield, MO- Local Hillcreast High School junior, Zach Slater, faced a horrible crisis yesterday when he had no choice, but to utilize an ancient device known has a “desktop computer.” With his smart phone left at his girlfriend’s house, his tablet’s charger no where to be found, and his Playstation Vita being used by his […]
Hobos Purchase Heer’s at Auction to Create Heer’s Hobo House
Springfield, MO – The iconic Heer’s building was sold at auction this week on the court house steps to a large group of hobos who are intending to turn the property into a high-profile hobo camp: Heer’s Hobo House. “Hobos are increasing in popularity, the fantastic lore, their travels and stories of adventure will finally […]
Irresponsible Parents Flock to Parks Department’s Parents Night Out Program
Springfield, MO – The Parks Department has been flooded with request from irresponsible parents looking to drop their children off at the next event. Most inquires have consisted of calls from moms and dads who are seeking legal separation from their children that are imposing upon their lifestyles. “If you could…um…y’know take my kid for […]
Another Earth Day “Party” Dismal Failure
Springfield, MO- Another Earth Day celebration was a complete and total disappointment to the chagrin of local naturalist and self-proclaimed neo-hip Gregory Glasswater. Greg always throws an annual “bash” to celebrate the great mother Gaia. “I don’t get why no one comes to celebrate the wonder and glory of the Earth Mother. I have a […]
Decay Billboard Sends Powerful Message
Springfield, MO – A natural force known only as “decay” has reserved space on a right side north bound view billboard on Kansas Expressway. The purpose: to send a message that rot, corrosion and deterioration are constantly engaging in a war against humanity and we should always be prepared for decay no matter how subtle […]
Tornado Update: “Definitely, Maybe”
Local forecasters in the Ozarks have taken up a new mantra for the wild and wacky weather system currently taking up residence over Southwest Missouri. “We’re upgrading the chances of severe weather to “Definitely, Maybe” over most of the listening area along with upgrading Dallas County to “Absolutely Possibly Likely” at this time” said local […]
Free Crowd Concussions Provided at Rugby Match
Springfield, MO – To commemorate the dedicated fans of Springfield Rugby Club, free concussions will be provided at this weekend’s last spring season game. After the match, players will make themselves available in a touch-and-feel scab booth where spectators can run their hands over scabbed knees, elbows and foreheads to better understand and appreciate the […]
Beard Fight Night!
Springfield, MO – The fourth annual Queen City Beard & Moustache Federation Competition will be held this Saturday and a new competitive event features dueling beards in cage fights to the shearing. The main event will pit two competitors against each other, beards outfitted with blades, clippers and shears in hand. First man to shave […]
Math Event Attended by “Lots” and “Many” Students
Springfield, MO – More than a lot of high school students participated in the math skills test hosted by Missouri State University this week. Too many to count put their calculating on display by participating in a little more than a dozen individual and team events. “I’d say many, many students participated. It was really […]
Storms Increases Dramatic, Passionate Rain Kisses By 200%
Springfield, MO- With torrential rain pouring all over the Ozarks, many couples are taking the dramatic, soaking backdrop as an opportunity to embrace romanticly. One cannot drive down the water-drenched streets without seeing a couple running toward each other with rain-soaked clothes, mouths agape. “Jeremy….Jeremy!!!” called Cindy Wallace as she rans toward her boyfriend […]
Freshman Left “Campus Alone” When Classmates Go To Atlanta
Springfield, MO- Due to a crazy mix up, Freshman Kevin McCallister was left all alone on the Drury Campus when every other Drury student left to watch the NCAA Division II Championship in Atlanta. “Hello, anyone there?” asked Kevin as he sleepily walked through the campus in his pajamas. “They all left. I am campus […]
