Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson

PB 16 practices official greeting of new Branson theater

Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to the area with another appealing act featuring a performer well past their prime.

The move will provide PBXVI with a more moderate lifestyle, one that will allow him to meet a less demanding schedule given his failing health. “Benny-16 will be able to enjoy life a little more in the Ozarks. He’ll have 3 shows a day versus a 24-hour schedule of meeting people, praying and causing international skirmishes. I’m encouraging him to install four wheel drive on his Pope Mobile cause there are some great off-roading mud holes that I’m sure he’d enjoy,” said Willy Berghoff of Kimberling City Entertainment, the Pope’s agent. Some people aren’t exactly sure what to think of the new papal strategy.

“The Pope didn’t quit, he reinvented himself. Bono, Cher and the Biebs were allowed to do it. The Pope should have the same latitude with his entertainment career. No other pope has done this…ever!” said stage manager Fritz Hulkerton. Hulkerton provided a snapshot of the show as having multiple acts comprised of Act 1: Condemning Condoms, Act 4: Emulating the Emperor, Act 7: Forgiving Unforgivable Priests and Act 9: Irritating Jews & Muslims. The grand finale, Acknowledging Alien Brethren, is rumored to include a giant spaceship sucking Sixteen through the rafters and into the heavens.
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Theater execs unveiled plans to run a mobile food truck outside the theater serving papal meals such as PB&Justquits, PopePockets, and EggsBeenADick, before and after each performance. Berghoff also leaked that they have purchased thousands of Yoda ear headbands online to paint white for the children who want to play PB XVI.

To promote Vatican City, the Pope will make cameo appearances at the Dixie Stampede where he will preside over horsey festivities, speak out against equine same sex marriages and bless the Pepsi®.