Archive for February, 2013
Southern Springfield Winter Wonderland, Northern Springfield Frozen Hellscape
Springfield, MO- This week, winter weather both devastated and beautified Springfield depending on the location. Light ice and snow turned Southern Springfield into a Norman Rockwell type winter paradise with laughing children creating snow forts, sledding, and enjoying playful snowball fights. The northern part of town had heavier snowfall and ice transforming it into a […]
New Downtown Walmart Offers Cool Hipster Hangout
Springfield, MO- With the new Walmart successfully rezoned near downtown, Walmart Spokesmen assures downtown regulars that this won’t be their “Father’s Wal-Mart”. The downtown Walmart is promised to bring a vibrant, cultural experience to area youths. “Listen, we understand what you cats are jiving about,” says 58 year old Walmart public relations manager, Kurt Stevens, […]
Whimsical Snownado Warning Pleasantly Issued
Springfield, MO – Following strange weather reports, the National Weather Service has issued a Snownado warning for Southwestern Missouri until 5:45 pm. At 6:30 am, trained weather spotters reported a wonderfully white funnel 7 miles west of Battlefield or near Springfield. A snownado may develop at any time and shower the area with little fluffy […]
Michelle to Record ‘Lady Obama’ on SGF Visit
Springfield, MO – First Lady Michelle Obama will take time today to record her healthy version of a Beatles song, “Lady Obama” at famed Springfield recording house, The Studio. She will sing back up on the track and play the Hammond organ. Special leaked lyrics were provided and will be sung by lead vocalist Kristi […]
First Lady Sucked Into Local Politics
Springfield, MO – Walmart confirmed their latest strategy to approve the new Neighborhood Market by enlisting First Lady Michelle Obama on her visit Springfield to meet with Mayor Stephens (who is visiting Washington D.C.). A White House spokesman stated, “The First Lady personally wants to inspect the location in question to see what the federal government […]
Springfield Man Excited About Wowing Wife During This Thursday’s Valentine’s Day
Springfield, MO- Grant Stephens is looking forward to treating his wife extra special this Thursday the 21rst for Valentine’s Day. The flowers are ordered, the restaurant is reserved, and the chocolates are purchased for the special day which is usually celebrated a week early. “I am so excited for this Thursday,” Grant tells FCN. “I […]
Mike McMichaelson Inspirational Speaker
Valentine’s Day… Awkward! Nobody knows what exactly to do with this holiday. While it does bridge the gap between Christmas and Easter, it really adds no significance to society. As a matter of fact, I would say it is just the opposite. For some, Valentine’s Day is a time to spend with the one you […]
Ark of Healthcare Found at Mercy!
Springfield, MO – Professor Illinois Jones made a significant historical find this week by discovering the Ark of Healthcare, a biblical relic that was long thought to be lost to the annals of time. Too holy to be placed on the ground or touched by one less than elite, one of the Bible’s holiest relics […]
Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing […]
Man Celebrates Everything V, but not Valentine’s Day
Springfield, MO – Local single man Richard Dickens attempted to block out the recent love-fest holiday, commonly known as Valentine’s Day, by celebrating everything “V” that he could imagine. His day started early and ended late, and he surprised himself with resourcefulness and creativity. “I just had the most fantastic day ever. That must be […]
Ozark Forest Marines Sent to Destroy Feral Hog Nest
Springfield, MO- The Ozarks has a new threat to deal with: feral hogs. The furious beast not only tear up the ground, but eat precious acorns and devour turkey eggs, which Ozark hillbillies use for food and currency. Because the pigs are overtaking the most the region, the Missouri government has to step in. A […]
Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson
Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to […]
