“Huge Asteroid No Threat to Earth” Laughs, Running and Screaming Astronomers

Astronomer weeps as asteroid approaches

Springfield, MO – Local astronomers are claiming that the large asteroid flying in nearly the same orbit as Earth will make a close pass by the planet, but there’s no chance of an impact. Several astronomers at Baker Observatory, Ozarks Amateur Astronomers Club (OAAC) confirmed that claim while packing several cases of survival food packages into an underground bunker.

“Oh yeah, this asteroid shouldn’t hit earth anytime soon, at least not for hundreds of years,” screamed Archie Hujanga as he ran away apparently to stock up on canned goods. The asteroid, named Toutatis, flies by Earth every four years. “During its closest approach, the celestial rock will pass about 4.3 million miles (7 million km) from Earth, which is about 18 times farther away than the moon,” said Ellen Cartyonger as she scribbled notes to her loved ones.
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“There is no danger of a collision with Earth,” laughed NASA astronomer Peter Sizzam, before breaking into tears while clutching a photograph of his family, “The 0.6-mile (4.3-km) long asteroid circles the sun in an orbit that is very closely aligned with Earth’s, making it a potentially hazardous object for the future,” he stammered.

Astronomers have used radar and optical telescopes to get a better fix on the asteroid’s location, its unusual spin and the flight path in hopes of distancing it from the Mayan Apocalypse. “Can’t talk now. No, no everything is fine. Earth will still be here in 9 days sure,” quipped local MSU Astronomy Professor Leonard Bishbaugh as he crossed himself and clutched rosary beads.