Parents Increase Candy Tax This Halloween

Dad enjoying kid’s candy

Springfield, MO – Local parents have increased the cost of chaperoning their children during the candy gathering season known colloquially as Halloween.  The parental imposed Candy Tax has held steady over the past decade, but saw an increase after weak job growth and economic instability this year.

“We just can’t afford to purchase as much candy as we are accustomed to,” said parent Natalie Hiffers, “so we’ve decided to increase our Candy Tax to 2.5% from 1.5%. It isn’t a huge increase but enough to eat a few more Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.”
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Parents have also instituted the right of first refusal. “My dad went through all of my candy and picked out the good stuff before I had a chance to take full inventory,” said child candy-gatherer Ricky Fireoptie. The elder Fireoptie explained, “I put a lotta hard work following him around the neighborhood dragging my cooler of frosty brews behind me, and I demand a little respect. Of course I should be able to ‘test’ his candy for ‘safety’, that’s the only responsible thing to do.”

Children across the Ozarks have yet to seek a repeal to the Candy Tax as parents tend to take the gross candy that kids don’t really like in the first place. “My mom took all of my Almond Joys, not that I cared!” said Haley Brewshakes, 6-year-old, harvester-of-confection.