Man Jumps from Tower Theater – Breaks No Records

Tower Theater sees whacko jumper

Springfield, MO – Henry Figerson decided to base-jump from the tip-top of the Tower Theater this week to celebrate his daredevil lifestyle. Climbing an un-towering 42-feet into the air, Figerson looked out over the land he was about to conquer and someday dreamed of being paid for somewhat life threatening stunts.

“Ah, yeah, I guess if he fell incorrectly he could break an ankle,” said one onlooker as Figerson steadied upon his perch. According to Facebook, Figerson has no previous experience making great leaps unless you count his career jump from making cotton candy at the fair to distributing door hanging advertisements for the Humane Society.
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Judging from the turnout at the Tower Theater parking lot, some dozen people actually appeared to support Figerson. Many in attendance were law enforcement officials who were intent on arresting the man on several counts of public endangerment. “We see whackos like this every day, one’s jumping from a bridge, one’s jumping from a house, this guy just chose a public place to make a statement,” said Springfield Fire Fighter Lars Ungly.

Figerson completed his jump however it was noted that he was tethered to the tower and actually had no intention of releasing his body to the natural force of gravity. “This was no Space Jump. I expect he might pick up a sponsor – namely Lame Energy Drinks – if they existed,” said Ungly.