Authorities Search for Sidewalk ‘Teabagger’

Workers repair ball imprints in concrete

Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis.

Edna noticed the twin divots when walking her Pomeranian, Mr. Fuzzles, and immediately notified the city. “It takes balls to do something that appalling. Big balls. Really, they had to be huge. Mr. Fuzzles almost scraped his little nose when he stepped right into the left one.” Edna quoted. Police have no suspects at the time, but patrols are closely watching all construction zones in the city.

Private Investigator Lewis Tuggington said, “Teabagging–or the dipping of one’s testicles into or onto something–is a social pariah, especially in permanent material such as sidewalk concrete. Fortunately, testicular sacks leave specific marks, much like fingerprints. I’m going to catch the Sidewalk’n Teabagger.”

Locals have differing views of the confusing marks. “I was sure a cow had walked through the wet concrete…until I saw some curly q’s sticking out. Then I knew it was a case of reproductive mandalism,” said Howard Frukipper, “I used to do it as a kid and I can tell you that there is nothing like the sensation of dropping trough and squatting to claim your territory, but people let’s keep it off our sidewalks.”

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