Backwoods Hillbillies Enjoy Classy Moonshine Tasting  

Tastings will continue until the police arrive

Springfield, MO- When the sunset light lingers and the fireflies brighten the twilight sky, the noble Ozarkian Hillbilly (heartier and more dark-haired than their Appalachian cousins) gather to jig, laugh, and taste nature’s sweetest elixir: moonshine. Every summer, eight of the greatest Hillbilly clans meet to share their finest alcoholic concoctions.

“Hmm, yes,” says Buck Harrowtooth, “This ‘78 has a nice oak-y after taste, and this ‘92 makes steam come out your ears as your face grows a harsh red.”

Competition is coupled with the tasting. Categories include: taste, fullness of body, creative infused flavors (such as raspberry, jalapeño, pork, and possum) ability to remove paint, black out drunkenness, and how powerfulness of the “moonshine goggles.”

“The greatest champion we ever had was Old Man Willy Watson. His special brew had an amazing taste, fullest body, a hint of bar-b-que squirrel testicles, removed three coats of paint in 20 minutes, could black out a full grown man in ten, and made Teddy Tarson hit on a rotting badger,” Harrowtooth tells FCN. “He swept all the categories and won himself a pair of breeding copperheads for the monthly snake fights as well as two pounds of walnuts (which most tribes of Hill Folk still use as currency and aphrodisiacs).

While at the tasting many participants can view the stills that made the moonshine possible. Some simple, some complicated, and some are works of art.

For instance, Charlie Bullrun’s still is in the shape of a woman (who he plans to marry as soon as Senate Bill 45B passes) and Hank Logsmell’s still is totally “green” because he painted it that color just yesterday.

With the ‘shine tasting comes many other hillbilly events such as outhouse crafting and using, trying to shoot an apple of a pig’s head (then shooting the pig’s head), and bowie knife juggling.

“Also it is a great place to meet women,” says Jim “Casanova” Snotsucker. “They all wear tube tops, have tattoos everywhere, and have practically painted on jeans. It is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, and I know because I do it every other Friday.”

Tasting will continue at the intersection of BB and FF till next Wednesday or until the police read this article.

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