Giant Flaming Eagle Terrorizes Independence Day Celebrators

Oh say, can you see that?!

Springfield, MO – Yesterday a rare flaming eagle was seen screaming across the night’s sky across the southeast side of town.  Witnesses said they were unsure what the flying object was until they heard a piercing shrill cry and saw the bird of freedom soaring over their homes, spitting fire from its glorious tail feathers.

“I thought it was a devil bird at first, flames were coming out of the giant eagle butt and started several fires in my neighborhood. Then I realized it was our national symbol – I stood and saluted as it spread terrible arse torch across the horizon,” said Tibbles Norvert, who resides in Rivercut.

Several phone calls to law enforcement ranged from reporting a rising phoenix, an unidentified flying ostrich and an old glory Hindenburg. Officer Greelie said, “I thought people had lost their minds, until I saw the torched turkey dive over my car and dropped a whirling jumping jack egg onto my hood. Scared me so bad I started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.”

When the terrible flying monster finally landed, it only took a few minutes of calling to figure out what originated the fiasco. Apparently, several kids stuffed the giant inflatable eagle promoting a nearby fireworks stand with unsold fireworks: bottle rockets, M-80s, missiles, giant night-scorching aerials, firecrackers and huge multi-shots. Upon ignition the screaming eagle soared over town and inspired local townships to preserve the practice in years to come.

Republic, Nixa and Battlefield plans include a sky battle of flaming inflatable eagles next July 4^th and citizens will be encouraged to shoot down opposing rocket-propelled mascots with roman candles and bottle rockets.

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