Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation

Some teachers hibernate in their rooms

Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time of uselessness or as they call it “the dog days of slumber” teachers fall into a deep sleep only to be awaken by September’s coming.

“The first step is go fatten up with apples and microwave lean cuisines. Then we take old student work and wet it with saliva to make a hamster like nest,” Mr. Conners says. We then silently repeat either the multiplication tables or states and capitals until we slip into our dreams of prepositional phrases and chemical reactions.”

Of course not all teachers experience the slumber in the same way. Others form a chrysalis like shell created out of their bitterness and frustration, only to break free in the fall. PE teachers frolic in a golden summer field until their sleepiness takes over. And chemistry teachers take a apple tasting concoction that renders them unconscious in glass coffins made by shop teachers. “I love the slumber,” states Ms. Kotter, “I can stay rested, away from all those stupid ***** ***** *** kids who can all just **** my ******* with a ******.”

When a teacher retires for good, the slumber is not enough. They sail to the UnWhining Lands where snot-nose brats and whiny, self obsessed teenagers cannot hurt them. There they can muse over scientific theories, discuss political systems, and make fun of children’s stupid grammatical mistakes.

“Sure we all want to go there someday,” states Mr. Conners as a tear falls down his cheek and sighs deep. “But, we have a long way to go…a long, long way.”

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