Archive for May, 2012
Centerfold Strip Club Opens “Fishing Pond” For Ultimate Man Experience
Springfield, MO- With Centerfold Strip Club already offering steak, suds, and strippers, the business recently added one more manly endeavor to the mix: fishing. A domed complex was added behind the main dance floor so patrons can calming fish while watching fine ladies dance to their pleasure. “We are going to offer numerous packages,” states […]
Nuns Hospitalized for Heat Exhaustion at Non-Bikini Car Wash
Springfield, MO- Three nuns were hospitalized yesterday when an ill-planned fundraiser went totally awry. The nuns where brought in for heat exhaustion after washing numerous cars in their full nun attire (habits). Due to the excesses heat, humidity, and modesty the nuns faced dehydration as well as numerous other problems. “We just wanted to make […]
Rush Limbaugh Bust Put Under Surveillance
Jefferson City (MO) – The House of Representatives has spent $1,100 on a security camera installed specifically to monitor a bust of conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh to honor those who choose to vandalize it. Chief Clerk Adam Crumbliss asked that the camera be installed because of concerns that the bust would be vandalized, […]
Success of Hearing Museum on C-Street Spawns New Sensory Museums
Springfield, MO – Tucked away on E. Commercial Street for years, the History of Hearing Museum has been a go to place for aural enthusiasts, from those with hearing-aids to music audio-philes. The gallery contains a treasure trove of hearing technology from by-gone eras. While some may be confused by its name, the History of […]
Lake of the Ozarks Promise “Teenage Massacre Free” Lake Fun
Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are […]
“You’re Gonna Like The Way I Cook” – Men’s Wearhouse Guy
Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people. “I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna […]
Christ Sends Giant Kittens Who Destroy Skepticon Billboard Accidentally
Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas. “Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard […]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Gritty Archie Remake to be Filmed at Local High School
Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana […]
Hotel of Terror Cries Bloody Tears for Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO – The Hotel of Terror building recently exhibited an act of compassion by crying tears of blood for the plight of the nearby Heer’s building. When questioned, the Hotel of Terror building said, “well I just wanted to express my sadness for Heer’s. At least I have a populace that inhabits my space […]
Table Rock Lake Summer Movie Series Announced
Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. “We have a […]
Amish Decide To Use Technology Up to 1990’s
Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s. “When we stopped progressing technology […]
Mayor O’Neill Suddenly Re-Signs
Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office […]
