Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures

Robber escapes with wild jump over bank

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe for KFC extra crispy chicken, as well as countless other prizes.
“I can’t believe it,” tells one witness. “One moment he runs in and the next he takes off in a solid orange car with a rebel flag on it. And for some reason there was a ramp right there, and when he was mid air some creepy southern voice told us, ‘Now that’s what I call a quick get away’”.
“We lost everything,” states Duke Hazard, president of the bank. “The ruby studded spittons, a fur coat made up of raccoon pelts, and a golden fiddle won from Satan himself.”
The bank assured its patrons that the best blood hounds are on the case.
“Nothing will stop those guys once they have the scent,” reports Officer Rawls. “Unless of course one dies from mountain lion attack and the other one dies of grief. But, that hardly ever happens.”

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