Huge Freaking Cardinals Invade Springfield
FairCityNews.com | Apr 03, 2012 | Comments 0
Fans swoon at the sight of Big Cards
Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage.
According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around this time of year unless a period of strong rainstorms are present in Florida. “Last year the big cards were diverted from our area due to strong thunderstorms and precipitation near Jupiter, Florida,” said weather analyst John Llabtesksab.
“We never had this aviary issue until Hammons Field was opened, but now we can expect big cardinals to appear in early April for at least 24-36 hours,” said Newt Rollingston, “and the crowds they draw are amazing. Everyone wants to see the big cards.”
Terrifying as it may seem, most people actually try very hard to get access to the ballpark to see these freaks of nature. “I had no idea we had so many bird enthusiasts who are willing to sacrifice their own lives to see the freakishly large finches. I hear one report where a Springfield Cardinals fan saw a big card that weighed more than 200 pounds!” said Rachel Yonkers of the local National Audubon Society chapter.
A large bird weighing over 200 pounds is capable of pecking out a man’s heart with one neck thrust, able to shred bone and muscle with enormous talons and capable of lifting small children into the heavens. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area around and near Hammons Field until the end of this week.
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