FEMA Blind to Disaster in SW MO

Unkempt lawns distracted FEMA from declaring emergency

Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and irresponsible property ownership ended.

“Are you kidding me, just because my home was ripped apart by natural causes, I get the shaft because of the jerk down the street who likes to sit on the couch in his front yard?! Ridiculous!” said Harry Twerding of Branson, MO.

FEMA officials did report finding numerous clusters of concrete lawn ornaments collected in unique locations throughout the area. “Yeah, real strange, I’m guessing the tornado picked up these lawn decorations from across the county and upon losing torque, dropped them into certain areas. I mean what one place would have giant gnomes, bears, and cowboys made of concrete?” said FEMA damage assessor Guy Shittles.

Gov. Jay Nixon insists that the area does need assistance and plans to guide the FEMA team through a tour of Northern Arkansas to give them perspective into the damage caused by the recent tornadoes. “If they can see how some people live south of here, perhaps they will understand the crisis we’re dealing with,” said an aid.

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