Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks

Police face-palmed by handiwork

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according to the Springfield Police Department.

A 29 year-old man from Libby, Montana had apparently committed suicide days ago by throwing himself in front of a train. His arm had been severed in the impact and then carried by the train all the way to Springfield, where it was discovered by BNSF employees.  They found the arm around 1pm and immediately called the police, only after exhausting all jokes involving “extra hands”, “hands across America”, and the movie “The Fugitive”.  We caught up with one of those workers for a brief interview.

“It’s not every day that you find an arm on the ground. We just had to take advantage of the comedic opportunity while we could. Of course, we did the right thing in the end by reporting it to the police.  After all, Springfield has the most honest and trustworthy BNSF staff in the country, hands down!  …sorry about that last one, I couldn’t help myself,” said BNSF employee Anita Nutter-Army.

The Police Department followed up with an off-hand statement.  “It’s always tragic when someone chooses to take their life. However, we were pleased to find out this man’s identity after a quick hand-off to the Greene-County Medical Examiner’s office.”

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