Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding

Salvation Army paratroopers prepare to invade Iowa

Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency.

“Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring in more donations from nearby locals. We have fallen short by $200,000 this year. At first we were disappointed, then we were all ‘this is still an army, right’ so we invaded Iowa,” said a general in the Salvation Army.

Government records indicate that over 15,000 red kettles and bell ringers arrived in 5 Iowa cities taking positions around popular shopping destinations. “It is hard work. Parachuting from the planes. Sneaking into positions without being noticed by other non-profits. Setting up the kettle. It is all very stressful but very important,” said Sargent Bill Umbatha of the Springfield Salvation Army unit.

SA officials have reported initial success with the invasion claiming $40,000 in donations and only 12 lost bell ringer lives to competing non-profit snipers, ninjas and the occasional parachuting into a compacting garbage truck.

“We will find the money. It is out there. It may not be in Missouri, but it is close. We’re not going to cut back now. We’ll leverage our Salvation Army tanks, airplanes and paratroopers to position kettles in areas that can secure the most donations,” said a Salvation Army representative.

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