Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea

Gnome caught trying to spread disease

Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene.

“I was at a party, having a great time talking with Tina about the new Ivory Javelin album when I felt her leg touch mine under the table. At least that’s what I thought it was. Turns out the Gono-Gnome had humped my calf that night. I started showing symptoms a few days later,” said Seth Morgor, a sophomore at Drury University.

Symptoms such as burning during urination and discharge may begin to appear one to fourteen days after exposure. Most affected people are unaware that the Gono-Gnome has attached to their leg and he will travel with them for several days, only jumping off to hump another unsuspecting leg.

To prevent the spread of the Gono-Gnome and his nasty disease, individuals who are susceptible to infection are encouraged to check their gardens for extra gnome-like creatures, be leery of lingering too long near any Santa Claus displays where elves are present and it is recommended that after parties guests should check their pant legs for any small man thrusting its pelvis into their extremities.

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