Squash Seized, Slashed, and Smashed for Shocking Samhain Ceremony

Pumpkin found smashed after hours of torture

Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A young pumpkin who was reported missing yesterday has been found. Oh. Oh God. It says here the pumpkin was found smashed in a million pieces on the sidewalk.

Reports are now streaming in about the crime. Apparently the pumpkin was stolen by the Smith family who live at 1295 Apple Pie Lane. The family of 5 (mother, father, two daughters, and one son) tore the adolescent squash from his family at 3:32 yesterday. The family then drove home as Sally, the youngest, held the pumpkin on her lap: escape was impossible.

Once home… and I warn out young listeners that this next section is very graphic so you may want to turn to another program, possibility “The Lone Ranger Buys A More Convincing Mask”…once home, John Smith, the father of the group, took a knife and sadistically carved into the pumpkin. Then with the children’s help scooped out the entrails.

Then, according to eyewitnesses, the mother took the knife and carved three triangles and a toothy grin into the helpless pumpkin.

In a grotesque climax the family shoved a candle in the mouth of the pumpkin, letting it rest in the stomach of the helpless victim. The eldest daughter light the candle ablaze while the pumpkin could do nothing, but smile. The family then set the pumpkin on the porch as a horrifying trophy for all to see.

This is where the trail goes cold. But, sometime that night a third party, through either an act of mercy or sadistic cruelty, threw the pumpkin upon the hard concrete; the symphony of despair finally over.

The Smiths have been taken into custody with first degree murder and second prize for pumpkin carving at the Halloween block party. Our prayers are with the victim’s hundreds of brothers.

We return now to the music of Duke Westborg and his jazz quartet. Oh and New York has been destroyed by hundreds of Martian tripods.

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