Archive for November, 2011
Brew Co. won over Quarters, Flip Cup Games
Springfield, MO – The new ownership group of the Springfield Brewing Company won the right to purchase the establishment from The Paul Mueller Company after winning a series of drinking games, most notably: quarters and flip cups. Head brewer for the Brew Co said, “We just happened to have the right people in the room. […]
Trip Good…Travel Bad…
Springfield, MO – I love vacation as much as the next person but the travel has simply become too much to take. You might as well expect to get spitting angry somewhere between point A and point B. One thing that might help is to know what you might expect from those you are traveling […]
Big Smith Splits; Announces Reunion Tour
Springfield, MO – After nearly 15 years of touring, recording and performing the most original sound to come out of the Ozarks, local group Big Smith has announced that they are unplugging their 12” 3-speed oscillating band. Reunion tour details are forthcoming, however it will be known as “Bigger Smith”. Professor of Musicology, Rand Jonserson […]
Following Thanksgiving Feast, Ozarkers Wake Early – Line Up for “Brown Friday”
Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds. Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front […]
Catch & Kill Your Own Turkey at WOW!
Springfield, MO – Leaders of Wonders of Wildlife National Fish and Wildlife Museum, or WOWNFAWM, announced that kids 12 and under will be invited to the museum on Thursday to catch their own turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner. A joint release on Tuesday stated Johnny Morris is donating $4 million to the Community Foundation […]
Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea
Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene. […]
New Digital Road Signs Offer Vague Advice
Springfield, MO – Distant and vague messages such as “Seatbelts Save Lives”, and “Speed Limit Enforced” have begun to appear on Springfield’s newest digital road signs begging the question: why? Local motorist Luke Feelyajum said, “I thought the messages would be a bit more useful than what I’ve seen so far. Perhaps a […]
Skepticon Leaders Pray for Good Attendance This Weekend
Springfield, MO – Leaders for the atheist group sponsoring the 4th annual Skepticon convention this weekend at the Gillioz are praying to God that they’ll have another good turnout. “Sweet Jesus, please make our event a success,” claimed one leader, hands clasped and kneeling before a makeshift temple of crucifixes and lit candles. For […]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can […]
Occupy McDonald’s Group Demands McRib
Springfield, MO – McDonalds confirms to FCN that a group of five known as Occupy McDonalds has been loitering in the lobby of the Cherry Street location since November 1, when it was learned that the McRib was to be discontinued again. Occupy McD’s Spokesperson Greg tells FCN, “For a long time we have […]
Strafford Schools Adopt Chupacabra as School Mascot
Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
All Square Coverage, All Day Long
Springfield MO.- With the completion and opening of Park Central square in downtown Springfield, city officials have announced that a new television station that will broadcast 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, all the activities that will be occurring there. Tom Seeya spokesman for Springfield’s newest TV station KSQR, says their management which […]
