Kum & Go To Add Slot Machine Gas Pumps

No whammies, no whammies, gas!

Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how lucky they are. The luckiest players could win other prizes such as free beef jerky, a free coffee, or a t-shirt that proclaims “Kum In Our Slots”, or the grand prize of an electric car.

“We just want to have the glamour and excitement of the Vegas Strip to our gas stations,” states a Kum N Go representative. “Sure, instead of show girls we have creepy pan handlers and instead black jack we have scratchers tickets…and more creepy panhandlers, but we are getting there. We are trying to have dancing fountains like in the front of the Bellagio, only with gasoline. If the uptight government will get off our back.”

Many customers are loving the new change.

“I hate being screwed by those fat cat oil companies, but I don’t mind getting screwed by lady luck. And who knows? I may not get screwed at the pump at all. Last time I could have said that was…1998,” states a local customer.

The machines are just the first changes that Kum & Go is making to make themselves for marketable. They recently purchased the web domain “Kumazon” where people can purchase gas online and have it delivered to their homes.

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