Bullies Look Forward To Start of School Year

Bully make good practice!

Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect their art.

“This really is our time to shine,” states Gary Garson while doing his shoving drills. “I have been doing bully yoga (where you really focus on your inner hate) and jogging over tires, which prepares me for stepping on nerd’s faces.”

The bullies also do a variety of other exercises to make sure their bullying skills stay sharp, such as: beating up punching bags filled with kindergarteners, running up stairs to a government building then toss an old man down the stairs, jump roping, grabbing lunch money out a child’s hand before he can close it, and running through swamps with their tiny bully instructors on their backs.

“Powerful bullies are,” states Bulda, an instructor who has trained bullies for years. “Focus on hate and self-loathing you must. Wet willy’s good also are.”

After training, most bullies have a plan before they even walk into the school. Usually it involves focusing on the small and weak of the herd, then slowing working their way up to more challenging prey such as somewhat popular kids, attractive girls, and first year teachers.

“I am very pumped for the new school year. I even bought an apple for my teacher,” states school bully Rick McDean. “I can’t wait to chuck it at her while her back is turned…or maybe right at her face, depending on my mood.

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