Stock Collapse Predicted by Mayan Calendar

Stupid Mayan Calendar screws us again

Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday.

According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just well forgot to tell anybody.” Springfield based money manager Louis Lotsacache said, “Yeah, the Mayan calendar predicted the failure of US financial markets in order to raise the value of gold. Large quantities of gold was used by the Mayans to create and decorate their alters, temples and worship centers to ancient aliens who visited Earth thousands of years ago and enslaved humankind to mine precious metals from the ground.”

The rise in gold will surely please Texas Congressman Ron Paul who is expected to strip off his fake rubber mask and reveal himself to the American people as an Alien sent to this planet to monitor our behaviors.

Americans who had recently recovered from the worst stock plunge since December 2008 could not believe their tremendous luck at having another prime opportunity to invest in the market once again. Norman Fuqt, of Nixa, said, “What the hell!? I was just about to retire three years ago, was hosed, then made up my gains and now I’m hosed again…” after taking a deep breath and chanting several phrases of restraint Fuqt continued, “I mean another opportunity to get in on the ground floor is great.”

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