MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat

Man mistakenly drinks from boiling water fountain at MSU

Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours
are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show
upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located)
are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but
now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno.

“I am so excited about college,” stated Megan Colliers. “The
freedom, the parties, the challenging classes… I am also excited
about the 3rd degree burns I got while walking from Strong to
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The smell of scorched flesh was not the only horror witnessed
on the tour.

“One of my group members just went nuts,” stated Carl Nickels, a SOAR leader. “He tore off his shirt and jumped into the fountain. He didn’t know that the fountain has been a boiling cauldron of water and dead birds since June. I mean the water shooting out is now white hot geysers.”

Mary Chambers, a parent of a future student said, “I wanted my son to go to MSU because it was a dry campus. I didn’t think “dry” meant Dantesque hell’s cape of burning grass and red hot concrete. Luckily I had a fanny pack filled with bottled water so I was fine…until the sand storm hit.”

Other problems of the heat include flaming squirrels jumping from tree to tree, bike wheels melting to the bike path, and the windows from Strong Hall acting as a magnifying glass which focuses so much heat it set summer school students on fire. “We are trying every we can to cool down the campus, states a spokesman from MSU. “We are flooding the first 4 floors of Hammonds Hall to make an underwater wonderland, replacing all statues with ice sculptures, and mandatory, hourly wet T-shirt contests.”