Archive for July, 2011
Jesus returns, brings lawsuit against the Tea Party for Slander
The Son of God finally returned today but surprisingly it wasn’t rapture related. Rather than appearing in the sky with a herald of trumpeting angels his return was much less dramatic. He showed up at the Greene County courthouse with his attorney Bob “Chewie” Chewhauser in tow to file papers against the Tea Party for […]
NFL Lockout Fantasy League Over
Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play […]
Glen Beck Opens Branson Theatre
Branson, MO—The American conservative radio and television host, author, entrepreneur, and political commentator Glen Beck recently announced that he is opening a theatre in Branson where he will host daily shows for live audiences. The news follows Beck’s comes just one month after he left the Fox News Channel on June 30th, 2011. Beck’s company, […]
COPS shot in SGF
Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame. According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making […]
Car Sale Increases Drive-By Shootings
Rogersville, MO – First Auto Outlet recently started a controversial promotion: buy a car, get a gun. Owner Duwayne Nortis insists that his auto dealership be as patriotic as possible, and that means “celebrating” the Second Amendment. “Nothing is more American than getting free stuff and then maybe using that stuff to do great harm […]
Hipster Refuses to Remove Beanie, Suffers Heat Stroke
Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.” “He should have at […]
Nation’s Remaining Unwanted VHS Found in Local Flea Markets
Springfield, MO – The American Film Institute has commissioned the flea markets of Springfield, Missouri, to become the official historical preservation sites of the nation’s remaining supply of unwanted VHS movies. AFI officials awarded the prestigious honor only after an extensive evaluation of many cities. The results showed that Springfield’s local flea markets have […]
Branson Bumper Car Racetrack Approved
Forsyth, MO— Officially, bumpin’ not rubbin’ is now racing. Members of the Taney County Planning Commission approved plans tonight for a $250 million electric-motor fueled bumper car racetrack outside of Big Cedar in a 4-2 vote. Professional drivers will be allowed to ram into each other however they must be at least 52 inches […]
Tea Party Rally at Party Cove
Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that […]
Brass Knuckle Deer Season Announced
Springfield, MO—The local office of the Missouri Department of Conservation has announced the creation of Brass Knuckle Deer Season. Beginning August 13 and running through August 25, punchers will be allowed two unconscious bucks per hunter, per season. Doe punching will not be allowed as this falls under state statute regarding wife beating. Department […]
Local Couple Gets Married in Order to Have Sex
Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each […]
20 Years…
The big reunion is coming up. The year was 1991 and other than the obvious 40lbs I have gained since my high school graduation, I look a lot like I did back in the day. Of course, things have changed a bit. I haven’t worn a turtle neck under a button down shirt in […]
