City to Hire Red Light Regulators

This downtown street preacher might make a good hire

Springfield, MO—City council is suspending efforts to re-activate its red light camera system and opting to hire 12 people to monitor traffic at major intersections. The new hires are possible due to sales tax revenue increases of 2.28 percent over last year.

These new Red Light Regulators will be the first new hires in years and much will be expected from them. According to City leaders, “each RLR will be provided with a stopwatch, a Polaroid camera and a lawn chair.” The RLRs will be tasked with capturing photographs of motorists who blow through red lights in the city.

Red Light Regulators will be positioned at major intersections such as Glenstone and Sunshine, Campbell and Sunshine and Chestnut Expressway and Kansas Expressway, areas that experience the most negligence behind the wheel. Red Light Regulator applicants will be required to pass a eye exam and be able to sit through long periods of heat while responding quickly to violators.

“We’re looking at the people who carry ‘Going Out of Business’ signs, those who work as The Statue of Liberty outside of tax preparation joints, and even the guy who dances like a madmad in front of Little Caesar’s Pizza…he’s great!” said one source close to the hiring process.

If all goes according to plan, these traffic monitors will fill the revenue void left by a decaying traffic light camera system. The City hopes this investment will recharge a vital source of revenue and provide for a safer community while investing in local citizens who desperately need work in a strained economy.

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