Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion

This man has been falling down the stairs for days

Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed.

Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to open and close and his arms opened painfully slow to emphasis the severity of his slow motion existence. His arms reached their intended position 3 minutes after the initial action was initiated.

Local authorities are responding to the life-draining crisis caused by the heat. All firefighters and police have been dispatched as of last week, however, most personnel have yet to make it to their vehicles.

Meteorologists for the area predict that the baking sun’s rays will continue to rob Ozarkians of a normal lifestyle for the remainder of the week. People are encouraged to plan far in advance as most daily activities will take weeks if not months to accomplish under these circumstances.

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