Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin

FEMA unicorns dispatched to Joplin via the velvety tones of Obama

Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns.

As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the glittery specs dissipated, a loud chorus of angels sang and the federally approved unicorn herd flew down from the Heavens, illuminated by an effervescent light from above.

W. Craig Fugate, Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), confirmed that the legendary woodland creatures will remove debris, serve meals and provide financial assistance to those in need.

Joplin resident John Knoxvorn said, “I was really impressed by President Obama’s speech and I was equally enthralled by the entrance of the unicorn herd.” Unfortunately, most were disappointed by the real work done by the horned beasts. “After Obama flew away most of the ‘herd’ turned out to be cardboard cutouts. The only magic that was produced by one unicorn was a heap of dung. I’m pretty sure it was a donkey with a painted paper towel roll taped to its head,” said Knoxvorn.

One animal was seen pulling a rope attached to a car trying to haul it to the landfill. “I saw that thing hiffing and puffing. It finally fell over dead. The FEMA unicorns are a crock. Of course, I hear real unicorns only help virgins, so I guess I’m not getting any assistance anytime soon! Hey ladies, how you doin?” remarked Stan Fillumger.

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