Archive for June, 2011
Sidewalk Improv Starting on Glenstone
Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon. “Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk […]
Area Nerds Just Wait In Line All Summer
Springfield, MO- Numerous area nerds decided to simply wait all summer in line due to the variety of nerdy movies playing this season. The nerds, on summer break from their computer science studies from MSU, thought being able to get great seats at various midnight showings is much better than having a normal social […]
Summer Romance Ends At Summer Reunion
Springfield, MO- A budding romance between Amy Boone and Kurt Brower ended yesterday when they both discovered that they are blood relatives. The awkward situation arouse when they decided to “party hop” noticing both their family reunions happened at the same park, at the same day, at the same time. “At first I was […]
Aliens Suspected in Puppy Proliferation
By G. Etaclue Springfield is experiencing record numbers of unwanted pets with speculation they are being dropped on the city by aliens. “Animals are running at large everywhere” said an animal control officer who spoke off the record fearing alien retaliation. “Last week we had 50 complaints about packs of strays stealing hot dogs from […]
Heerpees Disease Spreads to Buildings
Springfield, MO – Concerns for the health of vacant buildings in Springfield have been raised by city officials since a developer for Hickory Hills missed a payment deadline on the property. It appears the same problems with Hickory Hills and the Heers building are strangely similar. To see if the problems with these properties […]
Japanese Strolling Gardens Ruined By Japanese Strolling Monster
Springfield, MO- What is a usually a calm experience, the Japanese strolling gardens erupted in slow paced chaos when the Koi fish pond was contaminated with toxic chemicals. After the contamination one fish (later named Koizilla) mutated into a medium sized fish monster. Because the creature was not used to walking on land, and […]
Michael Buble Impregnates 80% of Women at JQH Arena
Springfield, MO—The soothing tones of crooner Michael Buble effectively impregnated a majority of the female audience during his performance at the Q this week. During the concert one female attendee was overheard screaming “Oh yes, yes, yes! His voice is throbbing inside of me!” before passing out on the concert floor from exhaustion. “Bubble-head […]
Battlefield Mall to Stage Reenactment
Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to […]
Wilson’s Creek Tourist Totally Empathizes With Soldiers
Battlefield, MO- After taking a tour of Wilson’s Creek Battlefield many tourist feel exactly how the brave soldiers felt while fighting for their causes. While the tourist differ in gender, age, and station of life they all can agree on one thing: they have it just as tough as the soldiers did. “Am I […]
Mike’s Friends; Dan’s Friends Call For Cease Splashing, End of Dunk War
Chesterfield Aquatic Center, MO- Representatives from Mike’s friends and Dan’s friend called for an end to all splashing, hopefully paving the way to end the 15-minute dunk war. Mike and Dan have been friends since kindergarten, but have grown apart during their 4th grade year leading to some low-key hostilities. The powder keg was […]
Pitt Adopts Population of Joplin
Joplin, MO- Even though The Pitts donated thousands of dollars for the tornado relief effort, they still filed paperwork yesterday that make them adopted parents of every single resident of Joplin, Missouri. Once completed, the Joplin residents will move to either the Pitts home in California or Southern France (their home in New Orleans is […]
Backwoods “Martha Stewart” Host Delightful Bar-B-Que
Springfield, MO- Billy Ray Grangerford hosted a delightful Bar-B-Que last night according to numerous party guests. Billy, known as the Martha Stewart of the backwoods, has hosted many events from the past such as: Ray’s “Road House” themed bachelor party, “Everywhich way But Loose” movie night complete with “monkey brain” made with food coloring […]
City to Hire Red Light Regulators
Springfield, MO—City council is suspending efforts to re-activate its red light camera system and opting to hire 12 people to monitor traffic at major intersections. The new hires are possible due to sales tax revenue increases of 2.28 percent over last year. These new Red Light Regulators will be the first new hires in […]
Major Nic Fit Hits Springfield
Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!” Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first […]
New Motto for Greene County?
Springfield MO- The phrase “In God We Trust” may or may not become the official motto for Greene County. Commissioner Jim Byrock said that the county was prepared to have the phrase plastered around every empty space in all county buildings, when someone pointed out that in might be unconstitutional. “Our committee found that […]
