Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs

Predicted rapture sends people into debt on Earth

Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21^st. When the earthquakes didn’t arrive, most cursed, started fistfights with others and urinated on city streets in protest.

“Shit, what the Hell am I going to do now? This means I have to go back to working my crap-ass job as a crossing guard, said Hank Gimmons, one of millions of people who were not “chosen” according to Family Radio’s host Harold Camping.

For a select few the rapture was real, sending thousands of believers into a life of debt, sorry and eternal hell on Earth. “I thought one group of people would rise up and those left behind would be screwed. Not I’m the one hosed with no possessions, no money and no job,” said Mary Hemmingway of Ozark.

“What a sham, I donated all I had in my retirement to Family Radio and I bet I’m not getting one damn dime back any of that money back,” claimed Lois Gentry. “If they want to give me that money back, I’ll be at Walmart greeting shoppers.”

A spokesperson for Family Radio said this was a successful rapture in their eyes as it raised 18 million dollars. “We can’t wait for Camping’s next rapture prediction!” said the spokesperson, “these rapture predictions are great for business.”

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