Trap Door/Wolf Pit Added To John L. Morris’s Office

Trap door leads to wolves

Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated Morris to his board of directors. Salesmen, annoying subordinates, and Jedi knights are all reasons stated by Morris that a trap-door/wolf pit is needed.

The 5’ by 5’ trap door will be situated in front of Morris’s hand crafted oak desk. At the simple press of a button, hidden underneath the desk, opens the door thus sending the victim to his death. Morris’s lawyers stated that because the wolves do the tearing and feeding, Morris cannot be held responsible for the deaths.

Morris had a tough time choosing the animal for the pit. Beavers, otters, and stuffed polar bears where all choices for the pit. But, wolves were finally chosen because of their deadliness among other reasons. “No land animal is more patriotic than wolves. When people get torn to shreds I want them to think about the greatest country on Earth: America,” states Morris.

Morris’s dream of a trap door had gone through several incantations, but his previous traps were not at all effective. “In the 80’s I had a trap door that dropped my victims into the bass and gar tank on the lower level of the shopping center. But, it took forever for the bass to gum my enemies to death. 9 times out of 10 I had to pull them out and apologize,” stated Morris.

The wolves were imported from northern Montana and transported to Bass Pro Shops weeks ago. For tax and legal purposes the wolves will be labeled as downsizing consultants.

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