Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds

Ozarkians who've lost their effin' minds line up to purchase toilet paper in bulk to ride out the snownado

Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds.

“I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” screamed Ricky Hickey of Buffalo, MO. The major storm bearing down on the area has incited a blizzard warning and the National Guard has been activated to secure the situation should it get out of hand.

Sgt. Major Flint Gadstone said, “If we see a large amount of accumulation, we are prepared to fire acidic rockets into the storm to combat crystal formations which will reduce the assault of snow on our cities. We also have a laser. It is a big one and we can’t wait to use it to melt wicked cool shapes into things.”

Governor Jay Nixon has declared the Ozarks chockfull of snow-fearing psychos and emergency managers are preparing for a disaster zone. Grocers reported an insane amount of purchasing activity and convenience stores are experiencing a heavy amount of traffic selling more gasoline than one could huff from six socks.

Amanda Quillow slobbered, “It’s a snowicide! The snow will melt away your skin unless you purchase canned goods and surgically implant them into your upper intestine! Jack Frost you stick it in your stormtracker! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Should only a small amount of snow sprinkle the area, neighbors and friends are willing to forgive the effed’ up antics of their loved ones. “Hey, it’s not everyday a giant snowicane produces thundersnow that will strip off your scalp if you don’t have appropriate head gear. Might as well live it up…gotta run, I need some grind rock salt into my palms in case I am forced to army crawl though 20 inches of snow back to my house,” stammered Vickey Richmond of Salem, MO.

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