Old Man Winter Bitch Slaps Ozarks

Old Man Winter Smack the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse.

“I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength because he kept pounding me from my car to the front door, right as I was about to walk it, he nut tapped me just to prove a point,” said Wimbley Samsonan, a staff accountant at Great Southern Bank.

Most SGFers bundled themselves in multiple layers, forcing them to dress in a ridiculous fashion to avoid the freezing temperatures. Tony Huffington, a ditch-digger said, “No way I’m going outside to work today, that Old Man Winter is a real bastard. “

Even the cities hardest, toughest citizens were put in their place by the aged old fart. “I couldn’t take it, too cold for me to work out today,” said Newt Fingerton, a regular at CrossFit gym.

When reached for comment, Old Man Winter said, “I’ve managed to make most everyone uncomfortable by clinching my frozen butt-cheeks onto the Ozarks. I just can’t ever seem to get the Springfield School System to close. One day, one day I shall create a school cancellation. Aha, ahaa, ahahaha!”

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