Archive for December, 2010
Gillioz Bankruptcy Boosts Ticket Sales
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the “going out of business” hype surrounding the Gillioz Theatre has been the best PR any business could hope to have. From the time the original loans were called in to the announcement of filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, ticket sales have been rapidly rising. “When I heard the theatre […]
Northtown Mall-Mart Still a Mall
Springfield, MO – Owner of the Northtown Mall on Kearney and Glenstone fears that Wal-Mart is scaring off other tenants. “Yes we are still a mall,” stated the owner. Its not hard to see how this is confusing to Springfield residents as Wal-Mart seems to have overtaken the Northtown Mall structure with its new super […]
Brad & Angelina See Mark & Dorothy in SGF
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street. Pitt said, “OMG, I […]
Locals in Uproar Over Shrine Mosque Construction
Springfield, MO—Wednesday afternoon as children were getting out of school and night-school students were heading to school, a group of concerned Springfieldians prepared to march all the way from the Abu Ben Adhem Shrine Mosque to the square to condemn the building of the mosque, finished in 1923, and also to promote walking as a […]
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
MAN DOES CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITHOUT GOING TO THE MALL
Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall. “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall. Heck, I haven’t […]
Pizza Hut Offers New Robbers’ Delight Pizza
Springfield, MO – Following the robbery of a local Pizza Hut this weekend, the company is now offering a new dish. Along with their “Meat Lovers” and “Pepperoni Lovers” specialty pizzas, you can now purchase your own “Robbers’ Delight.” This brand new pie comes loaded with your favorite toppings and a deep pan crust. The […]
Lunar Eclipse Gives Eclips Salon Boost
Springfield, MO—Recently, local hair studio Eclips has seen a huge surge of interest given the lunar Eclipse occurring this week. The hair-cuttery has even fielded requests for a special lunar deal. The strange coincidence between the similar names has given new attention to the salon. “I think if we bring in a picture of the […]
Deflated Yard Decorations Terrifying During the Day
Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes. “We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store […]
Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine
Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much […]
Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl
Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]
Local Stoners Disappointed by Lack of Munchies
Springfield, MO—City Councilmen Doug Burlison, and Dan Chiles spoke to a packed crowd at their forum on medical marijuana at the Library Center last evening. The crowd was an odd mix of the immensely old and the college hippies marking the first union of these age groups since the 1985 Congressional hearings on music censorship […]
Expedia Expands Into Airport Services
Springfield, MO—The internet travel company Expedia recently opened a new operations center in the old terminal building at the Springfield Branson National Airport, and now they’re moving deeper into the travel industry by offering air traffic control services. “We were already on the airport grounds, so we thought why not diversify and expand into air […]
Branson Belle Sucked Into Branson Triangle
Branson, MO—Saturday night the Showboat Branson Belle fell into the dangerous grip of the Branson Triangle, an area where a number of aircraft and surface vessels allegedly and mysteriously disappear. The Branson Triangle, a region near State Park Marina on Table Rock Lake, was blamed for creating gusts of 45-miles-per-hour and causing a problem with […]
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
