Archive for October, 2010
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we […]
Ugly Stick Bashes Out The Funds
Springfield, MO—Several Ozarkers have apparently agreed to be beaten with the ugly stick Friday night to attend the Springfield Little Theatre’s Backwoods Bash at the Ugly Mug to raise funds for the organization. The event can be viewed here. The attendees are preparing for the fundraiser by taking several facial impacts from the ugly stick, […]
MSU Receives TWI Alien Message On Lawn Art
Springfield, MO—MSU students received a message from aliens from the Altair solar system last night while hanging out at the giant space discs located at Grand and National Street. According to reports, the students were relaxing on what they considered works of art when they reportedly received thirteen 71 x 71 pixel images that included […]
“Siht-&-Stay” Opens at Kum & Go
Springfield, MO – Kum & Go, a national gasoline chain, published a press release detailing plans to open a new chain of dog training stores, the “Siht-&-Stay”. The idea struck a senior executive officer within the company when he decided to forego the company motto and stay at one of their stores for more than […]
FCN Employee Fired After Un-Funny Statement
Springfield MO - John Williams a 12 year employee of Fair City News was fired today for non funny statements made to a local television station. According to questionable sources John Williams was walking his dog in Phelps Grove Park when he was approached by a reporter from KOLR channel 10. The reporter asked him […]
Fire-Roasted Andy’s Custard Announced
Springfield, MO—Andy’s Frozen Custard is announcing a new custard blend following a roof fire to the East Sunshine location. According to sources, the Fire-Roasted Custard will be unveiled next week. The new treat starts with the secret recipe of milk, cream and sugar and features crushed chestnuts, several splashes of Tabasco Habanero pepper sauce, topped […]
Allergy Sufferers “Trumpet” Opening Of Botanical Center
Springfield, MO – The Springfield-Greene County Botanical Center opened this month to a resounding “AAAACHHHOOOOO.” The Center was dedicated Monday, October 11, 2010, to moderate applause and a large round of sneezing from allergy sufferers. Located at 2400 South Scenic, the facility features classroom space, a two-story atrium, gift shops, and a Butterfly House. The […]
New Fountain Erupts in Downtown Springfield
Springfield, MO—A refreshing addition to the downtown entertainment ambiance will be unveiled at the next First Friday Artwalk—the Fountains of Downtown. The Fountains of Downtown promises to mesmerize admirers with its amazing display of water, music and light thoughtfully interwoven into an astonishing display of art. Breathing new life into the downtown scene has been […]
7th District Hopefuls Have No Vote
Springfield MO—The voting records for all three candidates running for the 7th congressional house seat appears to be rare or non-existent. Each candidate has admitted for whatever reason, that they could not get out of bed and go vote on Election Day. Democrat Scott Eckersley has only voted twice in the past eight years. “Frankly, […]
McDonald’s Squawk Box Changes Voice
Nixa, MO—According to reports, a person with multiple personalities is working the drive thru at McDonald’s in Southwest Missouri. Leonard Hillary, a local customer, claims that every time he visits the McDonald’s located on HWY 14 near US 160 the person asking for his order uses two different voices. “I pulled up and this woman […]
Old Law/New Day Help Chicken Owners
Springfield MO—People that finally got the approval to have chickens in the city limits got an additional bonus with the discovery of an old Springfield law that gives chicken owners the right to hang chicken thieves without a trail or due process of law. The law written in 1830′s is still on the books and […]
Purple Burrito Serves Purple Burrito
Springfield, MO—In a surprising announcement, the Mexi-Cali restaurant Purple Burrito has announced that it will be promoting business by serving an actual purple-colored burrito. “Our customers have come to expect authentic Mexi-Cali fusion meals at Purple Burrito so we have decided to up the ante and create a new signature item that will blow people’s […]
Good Song Blamed for Speeding
Springfield, MO—On Tuesday, Jimmy Galtert of Republic, gave what he considered a reasonable explanation to his excessive speed heading west on Sunshine street: a really good song came on the radio. “So there I was in my 2003 Ford Focus when Guns and Roses’ Paradise City began to play on the radio. I immediately hit […]
Taco Truck Aroma Distracts Drivers
Springfield, MO—The Taco Wagon II at Glenstone and Sunshine has reportedly caused several motor vehicle accidents in the past few months. Drivers are cautioned to close their windows as they approach the mobile Mexican fare unit to protect their olfactory cells and prevent delicious aromas from intoxicating their minds. “I was a-driving down the road […]
Neighbor Chokes Man’s Chicken
Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, […]
